


Too Numb to Feel (The Knife in My Back)

by EmZ711



Series: The Widow Chronicle [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: BAMF Natasha Romanov, Brief flickers of Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sex, Natasha Romanov Backstory, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Non-Explicit, Non-Graphic Violence, Red Room (Marvel), brief passage of non-explicit sexual harassment, love making
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-03-02 21:38:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18819511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmZ711/pseuds/EmZ711
Summary: The Red Room was going to turn her into an expert spy. An expert assassin. A weapon of the state.She wasn’t here to be a friend.She was here to be a killer.





	1. turns me to gold in the sunlight

**Author's Note:**

> Umm... This is my coping mechanism...?  
>    
> Hi, friends! Welcome! I know this note is long but PLEASE READ THESE IMPORTANT THINGS!
> 
> 1\. 'too numb to feel (the knife in my back)' is part ONE of a hopefully THREE PART series! Hold me to it! It's my summer project!
> 
> The title is from the song 'Judas' by BANKS.  
> Chapter Titles are all Florence + The Machine lyrics.  
> ____
> 
> 2\. This fic begins the day Natasha is born and follows her first through her toddler years, then through her adolescence in the Red Room Academy, all the way up to when she trains with the Winter Soldier later in her teenage years.
> 
> This Red Room is mostly based on the one we saw in Age of Ultron, but I've also taken many liberties.
> 
> I'm adhering to the timeline of the MCU, however there are some nods to the comics that I'm integrating. If you see something and you think to yourself "what the hell did she put in her cheerios before she wrote this", it's almost definitely a comic reference. If you're familiar with the comics, you'll probably catch some nods!  
> ____
> 
> 3\. This fic will span from 1984-2003, just to offer you a loose timeline. I'm trying to make it easy to see the passage of time as you read to try to avoid any potential confusion.  
> ____
> 
> 4\. I really am almost positive that I must be on a watchlist or something for the number of times I've typed 'Soviet Union' or 'Russia' into Google.
> 
> Speaking of the Soviet Union! I've done a fair amount of research in preparation for this fic. I wanted to make this as true and realistic to history as possible, while also bringing in the more fantastical world of the MCU and the comics. I threw in a Y2K reference somewhere just for good measure lmao see if you can find it bbssssss !  
> ____
> 
> 5\. I do use some Russian words in this fic! The majority of them are nicknames/terms of endearment that I'll translate for you below. All of the Russian I use in this fic will be written phonetically and not in Cyrillic, and it will always be italicized for ease of recognition.
> 
> Many thanks to my very Russian friend Misha for teaching me the MOST random words and not questioning it literally at all.  
> ____
> 
> 6\. There WILL be a romance!
> 
> HOWEVER, while the age of consent in Russia is 16, the age of majority is 18, so you won’t read anything explicit in nature until AFTER that point. That's not to say they won't foster a relationship in some capacity before that, but HELLO James may be a hottie with a frozen in time body but that doesn't mean he wasn't born in 1925, and I am REALLY not interested in him seeming like a predator, nor am I comfortable with writing it.  
> ____
> 
> 7\. Now to get a little more serious
> 
> There will be a fair amount of potentially sensitive subject matter in this work. My goal was to write an origin story true to the expanse of knowledge we have of Natasha, not only through the MCU, but also through the comics. I don't BELIEVE that I've included much that hasn't been referenced in either the films or the comics. What I've done here is expanded the ideas to fit the span of the fourteen years she spends in the Red Room in this fic.  
> ____
> 
> 8\. I will be sure to warn you all before every chapter if any of the aforementioned subject matter will be coming up.
> 
> A brief, general list of things that can fall under that category, based on my story outline:  
> \- Implied/Referenced/Non-graphic Child Abuse  
> \- Implied/Referenced/Non-graphic Murder  
> \- Lessons in "The Art of Seduction" (Ch. 6, Ch. 7) (Rated M, NON-explicit)
> 
> These are things that I don't believe need to be written about explicitly in order for this fic to make sense or in order to get the point across. The implications are heavy enough in my opinion.  
> ____
> 
> 9\. This fic is Rated M just based off of subject matter, and I don't foresee myself changing the rating to Explicit, however please always be aware. 
> 
> *** If you aren't old enough to go to a Rated R movie alone, you should click away please!  
> ____
> 
> OKAY!
> 
> If none of that has scared you away, please read at your leisure! I'm so happy to have you here with me! I am so full of inspiration and love for Natasha Romanoff! I hope I do her justice here!  
> .  
> .  
> .
> 
> A few translations before you begin reading (in order of appearance):  
>    
> 'myshka' = little mouse
> 
> 'zvezda moya' = my star
> 
> 'babka' = grandma
> 
> 'mamochka' = mama (familiar)
> 
> 'lisichka' = little fox
> 
> 'Natashka' = cutification for Natalia/Natasha

 ~

**Stalingrad, Russia, November 22 nd, 1984**

~ 

“Hush, pretty Natashka. I know the world around you seems so big and scary, but one day, _myshka_ , you will overtake it. Mountain tops will bend to kiss you, _zvezda moya_.”

The red haired baby squirmed in her mother’s arms, feeling assaulted by a world that didn’t seem to offer the protection of the belly that had up until now been cocooning her. Her little body trembled as she wailed, the frigid late November air seeping into the little house on the outskirts of Volgograd.

Papa didn’t exist. He had left when mama fell pregnant, but that was okay. Little Natalia would grow up loved by her mother. The woman promised herself that she would find a way eventually, for her baby to grow up happy and wanting for nothing. In the meantime, she could afford little more than groceries every week. That changed when _Babka_ found out about her little fire haired granddaughter. 

Daily scolding was a small price to pay for having the opportunity to feed her child. 

“Really, I can’t believe you! I never gave you reason to think I would put you on the streets because of some scoundrel not keeping his prick to himself!

 _“_ _Mama!”_

Little Natalia was four months old now, and having just discovered laughter but a week ago, sat giggling wildly on her grandmother’s lap at the affronted tone of her mama’s voice. 

“I thought you were gone forever. Don’t do that to me again. I will keep you both here for as long as you need. Papa left us with good money when he passed. He wouldn’t want to spend it on a fatherless little girl, which is exactly why we’ll do just that,” her mischievous grin lightened the air in the room as she blew a raspberry into the laughing baby’s cheek.

Mama smiled to hold her tears at bay. 

 _Babushka_ was Natalia’s favorite person. She had plenty of love for her mother, yes, but grandma was who she spent her days with while mama was working. _Babushka_ fed her pastries when mama wasn’t home, and let her slap her little hands in the dirt outside in the summertime.

~

When Natalia’s first birthday came, it snowed for the first time that she could see it and be mesmerized. _Babushka_ bundled her up and sat with her on the front steps and let her stare up at the sky and squeal, her mitten covered hands reaching into the air to try to grab.

“ _Bab!_ ” 

“Yes, _myshka,_ I see! Snow!” she exclaimed, reaching out a finger. Natalia watched in insurmountable glee as a big snowflake landed on grandma’s finger. When it melted, surprise crossed her features a moment before she began to cry. 

Mama arrived home to see grandma laughing at the little girl and she placed her hands on her hips.

“Really, _mamochka_ , laughing at the baby on her birthday?”

“I can laugh at her, I made the cake,” she chortled as Natalia hiccoughed in her lap.

She reached for mama when she came up the walk and the woman picked her little girl up. 

“What has upset you so, _lisichka_?” she cooed, letting Natalia grab hold of her finger as she pointed to the sky and let out a fierce little yell, “The snow?”

She pouted, head falling into her mother’s shoulder as she cried. Grandma was still laughing as she followed them up the steps and into the house.

 ~

When it snowed on her birthday the next year, Natalia didn’t cry, rather wobbled onto the front stoop with a squeal, red pigtails bouncing as she laughed and pointed, “ _Babka_! Come!”

The year had passed quickly as she began growing into a giggly toddler. She was energetic and still happy to spend the days with her grandma while mama worked, as long as she still got pastries for lunch. She was becoming harder to please as she neared two years old, but her little family didn’t hold it against her. Mama didn’t coddle her much, not like grandma did. Natalia was beginning to learn who would let her get away with what, and how to push the limits of their patience. Mama took her own mother’s word for it when she said it was only natural, that it was only fair for the way she had treated her parents as a toddler.

Her “terrible twos” proved to be relatively mild in comparison to what grandma accused her own daughter of. Most of what Natalia was interested in in the several months leading up to her third birthday was finding good sticks and seeing how far down the walk she could throw them. 

“Natalia, it’s not nice to throw sticks.”

The girl stomped her foot, “Mm! Yes!” 

“No, _lisichka_ , it isn’t. Please don’t do it.”

She squealed in displeasure and jumped, her little fists balling, “ _Babka_! Mama mean!” 

Her grandmother, who sat on the front stoop with a book, hadn’t paid mind to the interaction. Something she was used to. Her daughter and granddaughter were too similar to not disagree on almost everything. Perhaps it didn’t help that Natalia was only two. 

“Come here, _Natashka_. Cookie?” 

The fire haired toddler beamed and abandoned her sticks while her mother watched on with a roll of her eyes, but a smile at her lips. 

“You’ll spoil her into bad behavior.” 

“Bah! Life is too short.”

 ~

On Natalia’s third birthday, the snow had started coming down thick the day before. When she woke up, they all three bundled up and made of family of snow angels in the tiny grass yard out front. Natalia’s was lumpy and kicked around by the time she got herself up (refusing any help, naturally), but she didn’t seem fazed, only happy to giggle and draw a lopsided pair of eyes and a smile in the deformed head of her angel.

Natalia started to become a very quiet and intelligent toddler. She preferred to observe people rather than interact with them, and her mother started noticing a funny little quirk in her daughter mimicking things she saw other people do. It was fascinating. She wished she knew what was happening in the little girl’s brain to make her so captivated. 

On a walk with grandma one day over the summer, she saw a ballerina through a studio window.

“ _Babka_ , wait!” she gasped, staring mesmerized through the window as she clutched her hand, “What she doing?”

“She’s a ballerina, _lisichka_. She’s dancing,” her grandmother smiled and ruffled the loose little curls of her hair. 

Natalia didn’t allow them to leave until the woman was finished dancing, upon which she noticed her audience and waved warmly at the little girl. The three year old squeaked and giggled, hiding her face in grandma’s leg. 

That night when mama came home from work, Natalia was dancing in the little living room. 

“I’m ballina, mama!” she exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.

Her captivation lasted longer than either her mother or grandmother assumed it would. When asked what she wanted for her birthday, she requested, “Ballina in snow!”

 ~

On her fourth birthday, no snow came.

Instead, a man.

The man sat down and spoke with her mother and her grandmother. She was told to stay in her room. She was just too curious though. She stood at her cracked door and listened.

_“I promised my daughter to them, Katerina. They would have murdered me if I hadn’t.”_

_“They’ll murder you anyhow, you righteous bastard! You aren’t taking my daughter!”_

_The slam of a fist on a table._

_“I own as much of that girl as you do!”_

_“I don’t own her! I love her!”_

_“She will grow up to help the Soviet Union rise to its fullest potential! You should be honored this opportunity has fallen into our laps!”_

_The scratch of a chair pushing back on the floor._

_Her grandmother’s voice._

_“Leave. Now. Before I make you leave. If you think we would ever give that little girl away, you’re living in another world.”_

_The smack of lips. A sigh._

_“I wished you would have made this easy. I never wanted to do this.”_

_Rushed, panicked protests. A click. A deafening bang. A scream. Another click. Another bang._

Her tears came immediately and her little hands covered her ears as she squatted into a ball, frightened beyond comprehension as she cried, frame trembling. 

The silence that followed made her ears ring. She waited for her mother or her grandmother to come for her but they didn’t. She heard the front door open and close, and slowly began to inch her way out, still crying as she went to the kitchen. 

“ _Mamochka?”_ she hiccoughed, “ _Babka?”_

She stood in the doorway and looked at them, still on the ground. Kneeling down beside her mother she shook her shoulder, “Mama.” 

Mama didn’t move.

She tried grandma. 

“ _Babka_ , wake up. It’s my birthday.” 

She began to cry harder, her tiny body wracking with panicked sobs as she pleaded for them to wake, and still, they didn’t. She laid down in the small space between them, tightly curled up and shaking with her cries. 

The front door opened and closed again ten minutes later. Footsteps stopped in the doorway to the kitchen and Natalia cried harder, scared and helpless between the lifeless bodies of her only people. 

When rough hands lifted her, she screamed and kicked and cried. 

“Shh, shh, shh, little one… It will all be better soon, _lisichka_. Come with papa and everything will be okay. You’ll be safe, Natalia,” the man rocked her, yet it didn’t quell her panic.

She continued to scream and kick until he lost his temper and took her from the house, loading her into the back of a white, government issued van that drove away as soon as he got into the front seat. 

~

The van doors opened to a white, blinding winter sky.

Natalia was huddled in the back corner, still trembling, voice hoarse from crying through the hours long trip. She was scared in the dark of the van, clutching desperately to the scarf she’d pulled from her mother’s person as the man – _Papa_? – had hoisted her up. She was still only in her little velvet birthday dress, long sleeved but not nearly sufficient to keep someone so small warm enough. Her shivering intensified as the bright daylight blinded her. She whimpered, hiding her face in the scarf. 

The back of the van dipped as the same man from before took hold of her again, carrying her despite the struggle she gave. She couldn’t see as the brightness evaded her. Natalia cried, and continued to cry until her eyes adjusted to the outdoors. Her sobbing slowed as soon as she caught sight of the building she was being carried towards. 

Snow covered the structure, a beautiful old mansion, the likes of something Natalia had only seen in the fairy stories _Babka_ read to her. It was a massive structure and the size of it stunned her into silence, eyes darting around in assessment. Her struggles became weaker as the shock began to set in. It was all too much and too quick for her to process. 

Inside, the dark wood furnishings brought an elegance that didn’t seem to fit the institution within. Straight through from the foyer, framed by two grand pillars, was a studio transformed from what may have been a parlor in another life. Inside, a group of girls danced, and Natalia was mesmerized. Her tears were wet on her cheeks as she stared in wonderment. 

A woman, tall, slender, and severe, stepped out of the studio when she saw them. Her lips drew up into a smile as she set her eyes upon the little girl.

The man bowed his head. 

“Madame. My daughter. Natalia Alianovna Romanova.”


	2. tenderest touch leaves the darkest of marks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other girls were the same age as Natalia, all orphans just as she now was, some more tired than others. Natalia would come to learn in the future that it didn’t matter what background they came from. They would either succeed or they wouldn’t. She was the last of twenty-eight girls brought to the Academy, and her first day marked the official beginning of the next fourteen years of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a big fat liar!
> 
> I'm going to start updating on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Twice a week! 
> 
> Currently I have five chapters written out of eight, so it should be a breeze! I'm working on six as we speak! I warn and apologize for how erratic my words counts are also. I have no excuses!  
> ____
> 
> Notes for this chapter:
> 
> 1) Trigger warning for a reference to abuse.  
> 2) I did a LOT of research on child development because I didn't want anything to be unrealistic, so I hope that everything is in order here!  
> 3) As the story progresses, things will become more thorough. Right now we're growing up with her to the point where the really impactful stuff starts to happen.  
> 4) There are a few little easter eggs here if you keep an eye out! 
> 
> ____
> 
> Translations:
> 
> 'Privet' - Hello  
> 'Da' - Yes
> 
> Nicknames:  
> 'Rhzhonka' - Little Redhead  
> 'Lisichka' - Little Fox  
> 'Kroshka' - Little Crumb

* * *

_  
A woman, tall, slender, and severe, stepped out of the studio when she saw them. Her lips drew up into a smile as she set her eyes upon the little girl._

_“Madame. Natalia Alianovna Romanova.”_

 

* * *

 

The woman seemed to disregard the man holding her as though he were dirt on the underside of her heel. She smiled tenderly at the girl.

“What have we here? _Privet, ryzhonka_ ,” she smiled, then lifted her chin at the man to beckon him down the hall.

Natalia was silent as she took in her surroundings, still trembling in her anxiety. The man stepped into a room with her and the tall woman shut the door behind her. The dark wood furnishings extended into here as well, a lacquered desk lit up by the large window behind it the focal point of the large office.

Finally, the man put her down. 

She ran from him, into the corner, wrapping her little arms around herself as she stared at them, eyes dry from crying. The woman motioned for him to take a seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk. He did. She turned back to the girl and smiled, crouching to her level.

“I know you’re scared, _lisichka_. We won’t hurt you, I promise,” she tested.

Natalia didn’t understand the use of her nickname by this woman she didn’t know. Had she met her before and forgotten? Was she a friend of mama’s? A friend of her grandmother’s? Natalia didn’t move from the corner, but she didn’t turn away either. She rubbed her hands on her cheeks, bothered by the dried tears as she sniffled and looked down at the ground.

“Did you see the ballerinas, _ryzhonka_?”

The mention of ballerinas made her look up slowly, shy but unable to impede her curiosity. She gave a little nod. 

“Did you like them?” 

The woman was smiling still, patiently waiting for her to answer. Again, Natalia gave a cautious, lingering nod. 

“Do you want to dance too?” 

The redhead’s curiosity peaked at her question. She didn’t move from her position still, but she wasted no time in slowly nodding her agreement. 

“What is your name, _lisichka_?” 

Natalia stared at her for a moment, unsure that she trusted her enough to provide a response to her question. She really didn’t desire to speak at all.    

“My name is Madame B,” the woman offered, still smiling at her and extending her hand out carefully, “Will you tell me yours?”

She swallowed apprehensively and sniffled, not moving to take her hand, but regarding the floor beneath her with the utmost curiosity as she conceded to the woman’s request. 

“Natalia…”

“That’s a pretty name, Natalia. Would you like to see the ballerinas again?” the woman asked.

Natalia stared at her, eyes darting quickly to the severe face of the bad man in the chair. She shook her head, “I want _mamochka_.” 

“I know you do, little one, but mama left you.”

 _Mama left you._

Natalia’s eyes filled with tears again as she shook her head, pointing, “She didn’t! Bad man hurt her!” 

As she spoke, the door pressed open, and a burly man with a bald head stepped in, causing the child to curl in on herself. 

Madame B addressed him without looking, “Ivan.” 

“ _Privet_ , Madame. What is this I hear about a bad man?” he questioned.

Natalia’s eyes were wide with fright when they met those of the new man standing behind Madame B. Her impression of men today had not given her reason to remain calm, but as he looked at her, his expression became tender. 

“Is this the bad man, _ryzhonka_?” he asked, indicating to the man who had addressed himself as her father. The man in the seat seemed to tense up with the implication that he had done something wrong in satisfying his end of the bargain. The bald man’s hand situated itself over the silenced gun at his hip. 

“Now wait a minute, Petrovich! We had a deal!”

“Natalia, will you come see the ballerinas again?” the woman smiled, holding out her hand. 

The bald man, Ivan, turned a gentle smile on her again, “I will make the bad man go away, _lisichka_. Go with Madame B, _da_?” 

The kind way he spoke to her, so unlike the bad man, prompted her to do as he said. Up until now, the woman had only been kind and tender with her, so decidedly, Natalia stretched out her hand and allowed Madame B to guide her from the room. The woman began to lead her in the opposite direction, back toward the dancers she had seen on the way in. Her hand remained gentle in Natalia’s. 

“We are going to take very good care of you here. You’ll get to be a ballerina, Natalia. Would you like that?” 

“I can be ballerina?” she looked up at the woman in amazement, though her tears weren’t dry. 

The muffled shot that came from behind them made her start, but Madame B acted as though she’d heard nothing. After a moment, Natalia followed suit, as she was led into the studio to admire the dancers.

 

~

 

They watched the dancers until the class ended, upon which time she was led by Madame B upstairs. They came upon a wooden door, which opened onto a large room where fourteen identical little beds were situated evenly, seven against one wall and seven against the opposite. The air was cool and Natalia shivered, intimidated by the strictness of the chamber. Her hand tightened around Madame B’s. The woman began to speak. 

“This is where you will sleep, _lisichka_. It will not be so lonely. The other girls are eating lunch now, but they will return and you will meet them. Tomorrow, you will begin to learn the routine.”

Confused and overwhelmed, Natalia sniffled. 

“No more tears, little one,” the woman said, turning and looking down at her. She did not crouch to her level now, “I will be there. You needn’t worry. You must be strong. For _mamochka_.” 

Natalia stared up at the woman, listening intently to her words and trying to decipher them. 

 _Strong for mamochka_.

Natalia looked down, then up again, and nodded.

 

~

 

The other girls were the same age as Natalia, all orphans just as she now was, some more tired than others. Natalia would come to learn in the future that it didn’t matter what background they came from. They would either succeed or they wouldn’t. She was the last of twenty-eight girls brought to the Academy, and her first day marked the official beginning of the next fourteen years of her life. 

For now, they were dancers.

In the morning, they would wake early and their schoolmistresses would help them all together dress for class. They were taught how to dress themselves, then line up – seven with Mistress Sveta, seven with Mistress Katya – to have their hair put up. 

They would be led from the room at the same time as the second room of fourteen. In two single file lines they would stand, one room beside the other, and be led downstairs to the dining room. For breakfast, a bowl of porridge and a slice of kolbasa on bread. Natalia learned from watching another girl that refusing to eat porridge meant no lunch. 

“Meals are meant to be finished,” Madame B had said as the little girl had watched her peers eat lunch. 

That day had made Natalia nervous, but eating porridge was better than starving, and staying quiet was better than being disciplined.

After breakfast, the four schoolmistresses divided the girls into groups of seven for English lessons. 

Dancing following English, Italian followed dancing, lunch followed Italian, French followed lunch, a walk followed French, then a nap, then dinner, then for half of the girls, bath time. For the other half, a movie. 

Natalia didn’t like the movies. _Babka_ had showed her _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves_ before, but this version was strange. It was different, but she couldn’t understand how. 

She much preferred bath time. 

The days continued to pass like this. The ballerinas that Natalia had seen on the day she was brought here had started to leave one by one, until the twenty-eight girls were the only students left. 

Soon a year passed. 

Then two. 

Then three. 

The memory of Natalia’s arrival grew foggy and the pain of her family dying faded into the busyness of the Academy days. 

The routine stayed the same for the most part, becoming easier as the girls grew and became more capable. In the mornings, the schoolmistresses would release them from the handcuffs – which had been introduced at the end of Natalia’s second winter there – then would supervise as the girls dressed and pulled up their hair into tight buns. 

The rest of the days remained the same, aside from the introduction of more schoolwork. The languages started to become easier for the girls after the foundation had been laid, and working towards fluency came quicker. It made room for history classes and sciences. 

At seven, Natalia still loved ballet. It was her favorite part of the day. She exceled at the art, and their teacher, a stern, stick-like man who always had a scowl on his face, always beckoned her to the front in class. It made her proud when Madame B saw and smiled at her. 

It wasn’t something she often granted. Madame B was strict, and not as warm as she had been the first time Natalia had met her, a time that seemed so far away now.

The fall of the Soviet Union hardened her further.

Natalia had turned seven a little over a month before it happened. She didn’t really understand what it meant, but the adults at the Academy felt the weight of it pressing fully down. The first several months of 1992 seemed dark and dreary and more severe, but Natalia kept dancing, even as her teachers cracked down harder and more forcefully than ever.

Then there was Ivan.

Ivan was Natalia’s favorite, even when he started letting his salt and pepper hair come back and his mustache grow. Madame B said he worked with the KGB to keep them safe, but he also snuck her cookies at lunch time on the days he checked in at the Academy. Those days were few and far between now after the dissolution of the KGB and the fall of the USSR, but they still made their impression on the redhead. 

Summer came again, and when it started getting warmer, the girls were allowed a brief recess after lunch, to get fresh air and sun when it decided to peek out. 

One of these summer days, Natalia was sitting in the grass, blowing dandelions as the other girls played around her. As she picked a new dandelion, she felt a pebble bounce off the back of her head. Her brow furrowed and she looked up and around, back at the big tree, but she noticed nothing and went back to her wishing game. 

A few moment later, another pebble bounced off the back of her neck. With a little growl she leapt up, turning around and glaring at the wide trunk of the tree. Tiptoeing her way over, she circled round, and around, and around…

Natalia squealed as she felt a pair of arms loop around her waist and lift her up to spin her in a circle. The girl giggled, something she didn’t have the chance to do very often, and whipped around to face the man when he set her down.

“Ivan!”

She put her hands on her hips and he mimicked her. 

“ _Lisichka_!” 

Natalia grinned, then wrinkled up her nose.

“Mistress Katya is going to come over and get mad because you made me scream! I’ll get in trouble! She’ll give the whip! She gave the whip to Masha just yesterday!” 

Natalia never got in trouble. 

“She won’t! I still hold some power here! Don’t you fret your little red head over it,” he poked her between the eyebrows. 

She smiled up at him, then glanced across the way at the other girls, most of whom weren’t paying any attention to what she was doing. 

“Are you staying?” she asked as he crouched down so she was taller. 

“You know I can’t. But I won’t be around again until the New Year and I wanted to say goodbye for now,” he said.

Natalia swayed a little as she pouted at the ground, “That’s a long time.” 

“Chin up, _Natashka_ ,” he lifted her head up with a finger, “You must focus very hard on your studies while I’m gone. Will you promise?” 

She stayed silent for a moment, poking his mustache absently before she nodded, “ _Da_.” 

“What’s wrong, _kroshka_?” 

Her shoulders shrugged, “The other girls are friends but they don’t really like me.” 

Ivan pursed his lips and took a knee, patting his leg. Natalia hopped onto it.

“Don’t let Madame B hear you talk like that. Those girls aren’t here to be your friends, and you aren’t here to be theirs. It’s better to keep your distance. Focus on being the best little ballerina you can be. One day it will be very important, _Natashka_ ,” he said, brushing a dandelion seed off of her cheek and offering her a tender smile.

She sat in thought for a moment, leaning into his burly torso, before she nodded. 

“Natalia!” Mistress Katya called from the distance. 

The girl huffed and groaned. Their brief after lunch lull was over and that meant she had to leave Ivan for schoolwork. He chuckled, smiling as he bounced her off of his leg. He reached out and touched the apple of her cheek again. 

“One day, _Natashka_. One day you will stun the whole entire world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks for reading!
> 
> Next chapter will be up on Tuesday unless I get too impatient again!
> 
> \- E


	3. till there's nothing left inside my soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their training continued to intensify as they got older. By the time the summer of 1996 came, their numbers had declined to nineteen. The group of girls was starting to become stronger and more competitive as the weaker links were eliminated, but Natalia knew better than to assume that any of them were safe. None of them were safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Chapter Three! 
> 
> Please regard the typical sensitive content warnings implied/referenced abuse. Other than that, no new warnings yet!  
> ____
> 
> Everyone should know that I'm an enormous ballet nerd, so I have a lot of little ballet easter eggs floating about in this chapter. I'd be eager to hear if anyone finds them!  
> ____
> 
> Translations:  
> 'Dobroye utro' - Good morning  
> 'Bal’shoye spasiba' - Thank you so much  
> 'Nemnogo' - A little bit

* * *

_The girl huffed and groaned. Their brief after lunch lull was over and that meant she had to leave Ivan for schoolwork. He chuckled, smiling as he bounced her off of his leg. He reached out and touched the apple of her cheek again._

_“One day, Natashka. One day you will stun the whole entire world.”_

* * *

  

Natalia hadn’t realized at the time, but Ivan’s visit that day in late June had been the catalyst for the onslaught of more severe discipline that came in the following months. By the time her eighth birthday arrived, it became apparent to Natalia that the Red Room wasn’t simply a school of ballet. She pinched herself for having ignored the inkling she’d grown up with, but what would have happened if she hadn’t? There was no life outside of this place for her. For any of the girls.

That became evident the day they were all gathered before Madame B and the other staff in the studio. It was the third day of January. Natalia stood silent in the front line, hands clutched respectfully in front of her as was expected. The snow was coming in a blizzard outside of the large windows to the right of them, but she didn’t dare to let it distract her. 

“ _Dobroye utro_ , girls,” the woman before them clipped, then waited. 

“ _Dobroye utro_ , Madame,” they chorused back, just as they did every morning. 

“We have a very serious matter to discuss today. I hope that I have the undivided attention of each and every one of you,” she pointed, leaving no room for argument. 

The girls stood, silent and intent. 

“I am sure you have all noticed that we have been making changes to your schoolwork and daily activities. We think that now is finally the appropriate time to tell you all precisely why we are doing that, and what exactly it will mean.” 

The floor creaked as Ivan quietly stepped into the room. Natalia caught sight of him out of the corner of her eye and narrowly avoided the smile that wanted to break on her lips.

She had been counting the days until he would return since summer. 

“Ivan, pleasant of you to join us. Would you care to explain the incredible opportunity that is being bestowed upon our girls?” Madame B lifted one of her perfectly manicured brows as the girls shifted their gaze to the man, who ran his hand over his mustache as he nodded. 

“Of course, Madame. I would be delighted,” he said as he came to her. 

He began to walk around the girls, and as he passed Natalia, she felt a comfort in the familiar spiced smell that came from his uniform. 

“As I am sure you have heard from your teachers, girls, our great country has been experiencing a great deal of difficulty in the past year. The Berlin Wall has fallen. The Soviet Union is no more. This program has always been designed for one purpose, and one alone. To create fearless, ruthless agents. Now, more than ever, we must work together for the greater good. You have been chosen from the beginning to be heroes of our country. 

“In the past, we have delayed the beginning of our girls’ training in espionage until they reached ten years of age. However, we believe in your ability, and we believe that desperate times call for more desperate measures. In the four years you girls have been with us you have received an immaculate education thanks to your schoolmistresses. Now your work for your country begins.” 

The way he spoke, full of pride and confidence, made Natalia’s uncertainty at his words diminish a little, but not much. She was still confused. What was the word he had used? 

 _Espionage?_  

She didn’t understand. What kind of work? What kind of training? It had something to do with their extra gym class or the introduction of archery to their daily routine then, didn't it?

“Some of you will have what it takes. Some of you will buckle under the pressure. But rest assured that each and every one of you has the ability if you put in the effort,” his eyes leveled a gaze at her as he spoke. She met it, face straight, but uncertainty still shining behind her eyes. 

Did they have a choice? 

After the presentation of the new curriculum, the girls were released to the library for the remainder of time before lunch. 

Ivan called her to stay back as other teachers filed out. 

She paused in her tracks, face somber as she turned to face him, keeping her eyes on the ground. He came to her with a smile on his lips, crouching down in front of her. 

“ _Natashka_. Madame B has told me you have been doing exceptional work since I’ve been gone,” he said, pride crossing his features. 

His words made her happy, but she didn’t want to show him that. 

“I thought I was going to be a ballerina,” she said, voice quiet. Her disappointment was evident. 

Ivan didn’t respond for a moment, pursing his lips as he chose his next words carefully. 

“You will still dance, _lisichka_. Your training in ballet will help your agility. It will make you stronger for the work that is to come,” he encouraged. 

Her eyes became wet with tears that she didn’t let fall. 

“Madame B said I could be the next Anna Pavlova; she lied.” 

Ivan took her hands in between his two larger ones, “I know. She lied for you. To make you better. And you will be better, Natalia. I see the fight in you,” he said, examining the bruise around her wrist from the handcuff on her bed. 

“If you channel that fight you will be _unstoppable_.” 

Natalia met his eyes, looking for another lie in them. She hated that she couldn’t find one, but it began to reinforce her faith in him. 

“Be strong for me, _Natashka_. Can you do that?” 

The silence that followed was full with the weight of her options. What would happen when she said yes? What would happen if she said no? Natalia decided that she never wanted to find out. 

“ _Da_.” 

“Natalia!” 

The snap of a ruler cut into her shoulder and she jumped, the pain flourishing as fresh tears filled her eyes. She squeezed them shut as Ivan stood. 

“I don’t believe punishment is necessary, Mistress Katya. I requested she stay. She’ll be on her way to the library now.” 

Natalia looked up at him and he nodded her release, which she seized and went off hastily to where the other girls were gathered. 

Madame B took Katya’s place when she left and regarded him with a lifted brow. 

“You coddle her,” her tone was unimpressed. 

“I don’t. I can see the potential in her even at eight, more than in the others. I’ve seen the drive. Her marks are the highest of all of them. She is not concerned by having the comfort of a friend. She is a diamond. She will rise from the rough. I know that you can see it, Alina.” 

“Perhaps. And if the others start to give her a hard time?” she antagonized. 

“All the better to harden her. All the better to beat them. She doesn’t need to be their friend. For some of them, that will be their downfall. Think better of her. Twenty of those girls won’t make it out of here. Maybe more. But Natalia will.” 

She stared at him for long, hard moment before speaking. 

“As you say, Ivan. I hope she will prove you right.” 

“She will.”

 

**~X~**

 

The new work they did was harder than any of them were used to, and the schoolmistresses became even more strict than before. For the very first time, they were taken below ground and introduced to the massive gymnasium hidden below. It had to be the size of at least ten of the gymnasium on the ground floor. 

New teachers came in as well, muscular women who worked to teach them coordination on punching bags and lithe men who guided them in acrobatics and gymnastics. 

Natalia continued to excel, as did many of the other girls. The day it became apparent that excelling was the only option however… 

That day would be etched into Natalia’s memory forever. 

 _The frustrated cry._

_The temper tantrum._

_The crack of a hand to a cheek and the wail that followed._

_The way the man had gripped blonde hair in his hand until Madame B came down to take hold of the situation._

And then…

 _The distant and haunted scream that Natalia started awake to in the middle of that night._

_The empty bed beside hers, cuff clanging against the side._

_The absence of Masha the following day that no one dared to mention._

Natalia carried it with her. She used it when she felt like she couldn’t possibly land one more fist to the punching bag in front of her. Her marks remained high, and every time Ivan visited, he checked in on her, telling her how proud she would make him and how proud she would make her country. 

Her skill set began to expand as she grew. On her ninth birthday, she hit five bullseyes in a row during her fifth year assessment. She tried not to notice Ivan’s grin from the end of the line of instructors. 

He stopped her after the teachers filed out and bumped his knuckle into her cheek. 

She swatted at his hand with a little smirk as he pulled something from his pocket and opened his palm to her with a grin. 

“Happy Birthday, _Natashka_.” 

Her face broke into a wide smile as she took the little golden wrapped candy. 

“ _Bal’shoye spasiba!_ ” she exclaimed, examining the wrapper, “It’s French!” 

“Oui, cherie!” he laughed, “I came straight from France for your assessment and I thought to myself… ‘Well now…’” 

He made a big show of wonderment. 

“’I think someone’s birthday is tomorrow. I think she has hair the color of fire. I think she has a sweet tooth that will get her in trouble one day. And I think she’s going to blow me away in her assessments. So I’d better bring her a little something.’” 

Natalia was grinning at him as she unwrapped the bonbon and stared at him expectantly. 

“Well, _kroshka_ , what are you waiting for?” he teased, holding his hand out for the wrapper. 

She shook her head and kept the wrapper to herself, but popped the chocolate into her mouth, grinning still. Her head fell back as she groaned happily. The rich milk chocolate melted in her mouth like nothing she’d ever tasted before. 

Ivan chuckled at her, “I’m glad you like it.” 

Natalia laughed as she finished chewing, then surged forward, wrapping her arms around his middle and pressing her face into his torso. He heard her give a mumbled, “Thank you.” 

After a moment’s hesitation, he returned her hug gently, but carefully pried her away just a minute later. His face was still tender, but he held out his hand, “Wrapper. I’ll smuggle it out,” he smiled. 

“Can I keep it? I’ll hide it,” she promised. 

He shook his head, “You know as well as I what kind of trouble you’ll be in if someone found it. Use that brain of yours, _Natashka_ ,” he tapped her temple with his finger, “It’s very smart.” 

She huffed, but placed it in his palm. 

“I’ll keep it safe for you. It’ll be your graduation present,” he teased her with a barking laugh. 

Natalia rolled her eyes but grinned, “I have to go! Mistress Katya will come looking if I don’t and she doesn’t like you, Ivan! I’ll still get in trouble!” 

His barking laughter continued as he followed her upstairs to oversee the written part of her assessment. 

Natalia passed that as well, coming out above her peers as she quite often did. She was quiet about her success, more relieved than proud of herself. The Red Room was no place to boast an ego, at least not now with so many years left to fail. She was beginning to draw her own conclusions as to what failure meant for them. 

Nadia and Irina weren’t so lucky as Natalia was. 

The mornings after their failed assessments, they were gone.

 

**~X~**

 

By the time Natalia’s tenth birthday came, twenty-eight had become twenty-four. None of the teachers ever mentioned the departures of any of the four and the remaining girls were smart enough not to ask, save for Galina who became number five a week into December. 

All Natalia had to do was keep working hard and keep her head down. Her sixth year assessments had not been quite as good as the ones before and she vowed to never let that happen again. 

 _“What is the point in being at the top if you don’t keep improving, Natalia?”_  

Madame B was right, of course. She continued to press on.

~

Ballet was her safety. They began pointe work in the spring and she committed herself to it with the force of an army. Nothing made her happier than looking into the mirror and seeing the improvement in the arch of her foot, the length of her legs in her pointe shoes. She wasn’t content to simply go through the motions. 

“ _DA_! Natalia! Yes!” Konstantin articulated each word with a sharp clap as she swept in from her demi-plié to sous-sus. 

When the exercise ended, he came over to her, snapping his cane off the floor, “Show them!  From your demi in fifth to your sous-sus. Girls! This is how tight your feet must be!” 

His voice left no room for argument, and if any of them felt the desire to roll their eyes at his favoritism, they kept it to themselves as they watched her demonstrate. 

He addressed them after, “Why have you all gotten sloppy? Must we take your pointe shoes away? Did we misjudge your progress and ability? Hm? Natalia can do it. Should I assume then that the rest of you are being lazy?” 

Natalia stared at the ground, isolated from his comparison and wishing desperately that they were more than a third of the way through their warm-up. There was still an hour left of class. The room was silent. 

Konstantin snarked out a huff as he hit the ground once more, “Again! On the left!” 

Natalia continued to keep to herself and focus on her work as the class continued. 

Later, mid-way through a combination across the floor, she felt a foot that wasn’t her own slip beneath her.

There was nothing to grab hold of as she went down. It felt like slow motion, her body seizing up in panic just a millisecond before the impact of her knee to the marley floor. When the pain began to blossom, time sped up again as the grunt of pain tumbled from her lips. She tried so hard not to scream, so hard not to cry. They couldn’t see her tears. She had to be strong. 

She barely noticed Ivan, who had been passing in time to see everything, as he strode into the room, more terrifying than she’d ever seen him before as he took hold of Darya’s upper arm. 

“What is the matter with you, girl!”

“Isn’t she the best? She should be able to handle anything!” 

With a growl he pushed her away and into the grip of Konstantin. 

The commotion brought Madame B into the room, as well as the schoolmistresses, who took Darya into their own hands as Ivan knelt beside her. 

“Natalia, look at me. Look at me,” he said, touching the top of her head. 

She did, unshed tears behind the green of her eyes. 

“Can you move your knee?” 

With a labored breath she tried, grunting at the pain that followed the steady beat of her heart. 

“ _Nemnogo_ ,” she said through clenched teeth. 

“I’m going to lift you,” he said before he did, standing with her, leveling a sharp gaze at Konstantin, “Discipline your dancers.” 

Ivan rushed her to the infirmary and the doctors began assessing her immediately. She stared at the ceiling as they worked, and all she could think about was how they would get rid of her. 

What would death be like? Would they kill her quick and efficient perhaps, because her failure wasn’t a fault of her own? 

 _Natalia._

Or maybe it was. Could she have seen Darya planning her sabotage before it happened? Should she have assumed and been more careful? 

 _Natalia._

Was it her fault then? Did she really hate this place so deeply that she would do anything to be expelled? 

“Natalia!” 

Her tears were falling freely now as she finally became aware of the voice speaking her name. 

“ _Natashka_ , what are your tears for?” 

Ivan had returned after the doctors explained to him and to Madame B the results of their tests. 

“Please don’t k–… Please don’t send me away,” she pleaded, her lip quivering. 

The ten year old barely remembered what it felt like to cry. 

“Send you away, _kroshka_?” his thumb brushed away the tear on her cheek. 

“I promise I’ll keep working until I’m healed. I’ll watch the other girls and write notes and I’ll take extra lessons when I’m better, Ivan! Please don’t make me go away!” 

“ _Hush, hush, hush_ , child! Put that pleading away before Madame B catches wind of it, _da_? We aren’t sending you away, _Natashka_. I’ve already spoken with her,” he pushed a loose piece of hair off of her forehead. 

As she took his words in, her breath began to slow, and the relief that spread through her body was almost enough to entirely quell the throbbing she felt in her knee. 

“Only a bad sprain, Natalia. The doctors believe we can rehabilitate you in under six weeks, with the aid of a serum. Madame B and I both agree that you are worth the time and effort. You are an incredibly skilled little girl, _Natashka_. We have seen the work you put in. It does not go ignored.” 

Her head rested back on the infirmary bed as she felt another gust of relief. Another tear slipped out but she brushed it away quickly as she nodded. 

“Rest now. I will bring lunch down for you and Madame B will come with the rest of your written lessons when you’re done. You will be back on your feet in no time, _ryzhonka_ ,” he promised.

~ 

He was right. Staying in bed was torture even for a day and the minute they allowed her up and on crutches, she was back to every lesson. 

The first thing she noticed as she sat and observed in ballet the next morning was that Darya was not there.

 

**~X~**

 

When they said six weeks, Natalia resolved to make it five. 

Her knee healed and she worked extra to strengthen it back up whenever she was able. They gave her a serum that helped, a small dose in the form of a shot to her knee, but it gave her the ability to be dancing normally again after only seven weeks, so she wasn't inclined to question it. 

Summer came eventually and Natalia continued to improve. As the weather became warmer, they were allowed to take lunch outside. Generally, she ate alone, but one day in mid-July, she was joined by a girl she’d scarcely ever interacted with. It was easy to keep to herself when the threat of a punishment was always present. 

The girl she knew as Evgenia. She didn’t stand out much, but she did as she was told and kept up with the training as best as she could. Her dancing and acrobatics left something to be desired. She excelled more at archery and her bookwork than she did at any of their other physical training.

When she lowered herself onto the grass next to Natalia, the redhead stared at the ground in front of her. She wasn’t interested in the hostility that many of the girls pushed onto her. It made her tired and she wouldn’t be able to handle Ivan’s disappointment if he ever saw her grant it a response. 

“ _Privet_ , Natalia…” 

“If you’ve come to talk about Darya–“ 

“I haven’t. I… I wanted to ask for your help. I have trouble with pointe work. Master Konstantin is getting fed up with me, I can tell, and I don’t want to-… to be removed…” she spoke quickly, her voice quiet. 

Natalia watched her, narrowing her eyes for a moment as her brow furrowed. She observed her, the anxiety evident in her, the honesty of her words. Natalia looked up to ensure that none of the schoolmistresses were coming to reprimand them. There was no way she could show her anything, but perhaps talking her problems through with her would help her make corrections… 

“I can’t help you apply it…” she went against the feeling in her gut tell her that helping someone was a bad idea. 

Evgenia shook her head, “Anything. I’ll listen to any help you have. You’re the best of all of us, Natalia.” 

Natalia flushed at her praise, then shook her head, “I can give you tips. That’s all.” 

Evgenia smiled at her tightly, then nodded.

 

**~X~**

 

By the time Natalia reached her eleventh birthday, she and Evgenia were as close to friends as anyone could be in the Red Room. It kept her on edge, but she continued to do her work and as long as it didn’t interfere, she wanted it to continue. It made everything seem less lonely. 

Ivan had noticed. Of course he had. He had pulled her aside after her seventh year assessments and told her to tread very carefully. Madame B had noticed and wasn’t impressed in the slightest by the threat of distraction. 

Be that as it may, Natalia’s assessments were stunningly unflawed, so for now, the woman graciously ignored it. Madame B had asserted to Ivan that it would prove to be a useful friendship _when the time came_.

~ 

Their training continued to intensify as they got older. By the time the summer of 1996 came, their numbers had declined to nineteen. The group of girls was starting to become stronger and more competitive as the weaker links were eliminated, but Natalia knew better than to assume that any of them were safe. None of them were safe. 

Her twelfth birthday came and went, as did her eighth year assessments. They had added hand to hand combat over the past year, and Natalia learned that it was easier to hold back when she was hitting another person. Her first failure had earned her Mistress Nastia’s switch and the mocking smirks of the other girls. They wanted to see her fail. 

She came back with a vengeance. 

By the time those assessments rolled around, she took no moment of hesitation when fighting, and showed no ounce of mercy until the exercise was called.

 ~

She was just over two months from her thirteenth birthday the first time no one called it. 

Evgenia understood. When they were paired to fight, they would fight. Natalia wouldn’t risk herself to hold back, and she didn’t expect her friend to do so either. 

They were paired today, and as Mistress Nastia finished the pairings, she stepped forward. 

“Madame B will be joining our lesson today, along with Master Ivan. In the meantime, begin warming up. They will be here soon.” 

Having visitors put a bad taste in Natalia’s mouth, regardless of whether it was Ivan or not. She was fortunate to have him as something of an ally, but she wasn’t dim to what his job was in regards to the Academy. He was there to assess. Her trust in him had never faltered, but the fact of the matter was that he was free to change his mind on her at any given moment. While she liked to believe he wouldn’t, she’d also become accustomed to keeping her hopes low. 

They arrived some minutes later, and their lesson began. The other girls were all called to go ahead of her and Evgenia, but they reached them soon enough. 

Standing in the center, they got into position and began to spar. Natalia didn’t hold back, and neither did Evgenia. It was a fair fight until Natalia got in a disorienting punch to her partner’s nose. Evgenia came back with a hit that missed her ear by barely an inch as Natalia ducked her head and delivered a swift blow to her jaw. She caught her in a chokehold and waited for them to call it. 

When the call didn’t come, Natalia’s stomach flipped. 

Something bad was coming. 

She could feel it.

Madame B lifted her chin expectantly. 

Nastia clapped her hands sharply, “Well, Natalia? Can you finish the job?”

The redhead shook her head. Surely they didn’t mean it?

Evgenia whimpered in her grip, clawing at her arms and leaving red scratches in her skin. 

Nastia came up behind her to speak in her ear. 

“Finish her, Natalia, or we will finish you.” 

Her breath quickened in panic as her eyes darted to the other girls, then met with Ivan’s. She pleaded him through her gaze to stop this. 

He only offered one slow nod to indicate that _it’s okay, Natashka_. 

_Just do it._

_Just end her._

_Make me proud._  

Natalia clenched her jaw tightly as Nastia hissed in her ear again. 

Her arm tightened around her neck. 

Her hand pulled and twisted, and… 

The feel and sound of her neck breaking made Natalia vomit, the limp body of her friend slumping to the ground as she fell to her knees and lost the contents of her stomach on the concrete beneath her. 

Nastia curled her lip in disgust and released the remainder of the group, each of them stunned beyond words, almost beyond thought. 

Sudden, quick, and permanent. 

She would never be clean after this. 

Natalia felt a hand on her back a moment later, “You need work, _Natashka_. But you’ve done it. The hardest part is over.” 

The wall inside her was slowly constructing itself, even as he rubbed circles into her back. She was stupid to think her friendship with Evgenia could have taken any other course.

It became glaringly obvious the reason that Madame B had allowed their friendship to flourish. They were training her for one reason, and one reason alone. 

She was going to be an expert spy. An expert assassin. A weapon of the state. 

She wasn’t here to be a friend. 

She was here to be a killer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Chapter Four coming on Thursday! Thing are starting to pick up now!
> 
> \- Em


	4. your red eyes sees no blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was she forgetting? It felt like she was forgetting something... She remembers Ivan supporting her. She remembers that it was her birthday. She remembers her laziness of the last two weeks. She remembers her first kill, a girl she’d barely ever spoken to that she never would have called a friend. 
> 
> But something wasn't there anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're halfway there and we've made it through the preliminary intro chapters! Things start getting zesty in chapter five so keep an eye out for that next Tuesday, potentially earlier if I end up finishing writing the final couple chapters before then! 
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> ____
> 
> Translations:  
> 'kroshka' - little crumb  
> 'ryzhonka' - nickname for a redhead

* * *

_Her wall was slowly constructing itself, even as he rubbed circles into her back. She was stupid to think her friendship with Evgenia could have taken any other course. It became glaringly obvious the reason that Madame B had allowed their friendship to flourish. They were training her for one reason, and one reason alone._

_She was going to be an expert spy. An expert assassin. A weapon of the state._

_She wasn’t here to be a friend._

_She was here to be a killer._

* * *

  

The girls were tense.

Up until now they had no concrete evidence that the girls who left were murdered, but the day that Natalia made her first kill it became blatantly apparent that their lives meant nothing to the people who controlled them. 

Natalia laid in her bed than night, cuff digging into her wrist as she pulled it tight to keep herself awake. 

Every time she closed her eyes, the vision of Evgenia’s limp body returned to her. Her throat tightened, tears stinging her eyes. 

How had she gotten here? 

She could barely remember arriving here eight years ago, barely remembered whoever her parents had been or if she’d even ever had them. She so desperately longed for a life that wasn’t here. 

 _Stop being a baby, Natalia. Just keep going. The only way to get out is to keep going._

So she did.

On her thirteenth birthday, they introduced her to The Machine. 

Ivan was there, watching as they secured wires against her temples and above her eyebrows. Her grip on the chair was tight and her fear was evident as she stared at him. 

His smile was still tender for her, and he began to speak as the doctors continued to set up. 

“We’ve noticed, _Natashka_. You’ve been distracted lately. What you did that day was necessary, you must know that. We’re going to help you, Natalia. Once the doctors have finished you’ll see. You’ll realize how good it is, what you’ve done. Good for the school. Good for Russia. You will see, _kroshka_.” 

He still seemed so proud of her. It made her want to scream. 

Natalia thought she already knew pain, knew discomfort, but what they did to her for the following half hour was far beyond anything she’d ever experience before, and nothing she ever wanted to experience again. 

The Machine whirred to life and she felt just a tingling beneath the wires on her head. Anxiety lodged itself in the pit of her stomach and her breath labored as the feeling intensified and continued to intensify. Natalia had never been one to scream, never been one to cry, but the feeling of whatever they were doing to her changed that. 

She could scarcely describe it. It intensified until it felt like the tendrils of electric currents were curling through the temporal region of her brain, grabbing onto something that she wasn’t able to identify as she writhed and screamed. Her muscles were tensing, not allowing her any of movement of her own as the doctors continued to work around her. 

She could barely notice them. 

She was sobbing, pleading Ivan for it to stop. The invasion made her body feel like it was going to dissolve from the inside out. 

Her world went black.

 ~

When she woke, she was laying in an infirmary bed, wrist cuffed as it was at night. Everything was foggy and the fluorescent lights above her were nasty to her sensitive eyes. Her head hurt as it tried to grip onto something. What was she forgetting? It felt like she was forgetting something. 

She remembers Ivan supporting her. She remembers that it was her birthday. She remembers her laziness of the last two weeks. She remembers her first kill, a girl she’d barely ever spoken to that she never would have called a friend.

So what was she forgetting? 

The door clicked open a moment later. Her face lit up with relief. 

“Ivan.” 

“How are you feeling, _Natashka_?” he smiled, taking a seat on the bed next to her. 

“My head is so foggy. I feel like… I’m forgetting something-…” she said, looking at him for an answer. 

He only shook his head and cupped her cheek, “Perfectly normal, _Kroshka_. Not uncommon at all. Treatment was to strengthen you, but it does not come without its side effects. It will fade, I promise. After a good night’s sleep, you’ll be as alert as ever,” he assured her, smiling down at her. 

She swallowed, still unsettled, but nodded, “I trust you.” 

“You will always be able to trust me, _Natashka_. I promise you that,” he said, leaning over and kissing her forehead. 

She allowed his warmth to comfort her as she pulled in a deep breath and offered a tired smile. 

He changed the air in the room when he spoke again. 

“Happy Birthday, Natalia,” he grinned happily, “Thirteen! Can you believe it? So close to graduation you could just barely see it out on the horizon, _da_?” 

Her smile widened with his as she shook her head, “ _Da_. If I am strong enough.” 

“I have every faith in your ability, _ryzhonka_. You’ve made me very proud and I have no doubt you will continue to,” he bumped her nose with his knuckle, “Now, rest. Madame B expects to see you in your afternoon lessons. I will wake you when it’s time.” 

It didn’t take her long to fall asleep when he stepped out. 

Now, the only thing she saw behind her eyelids was darkness.

 

 **~X~**  

 

As her thirteenth year continued, Natalia glued herself firmly to success. She was diligent and thorough in everything she did, every technique she learned, every hit and kick she executed. Madame B was pleased with her work. Natalia knew only because she couldn’t feel her burning gaze every moment of every day. That was reserved for other girls now. Natalia had passed her last test. She was free to focus herself without that distraction for the time being. 

Two weeks into February, her period came for the first time. She knew what it was when it happened. Several of the other girls had already experienced it and Madame B had no interest in hiding the fact of it from them only to cause a commotion when the inevitable occurred. They were taught about it at ten years old. 

When she woke to stained sleep shorts, she went to Mistress Katya, who gave her what she needed and escorted her to the bathroom to clean up.

It was uncomfortable at first, the cotton they gave her to stop the bleeding, but her life went on normally, or whatever normal was for them.

 ~ 

On the anniversary of her first kill, it happened again. 

This time, it wasn’t her.

This time, Ivan wasn’t there. 

Nastia made them watch as Svetlana’s body was lifted in a bag and carried away. 

This time, Natalia didn’t vomit, and she was the only one who didn’t get the switch for looking away.

 

**~X~**

 

Her fourteenth birthday came and went and when the new millennia arrived and didn’t bring with it the apocalypse, they introduced new training to the curriculum. 

The first time Natalia held a gun in her hand, she felt more powerful than she’d have imagined it would make her feel. 

Perhaps lethal was a better word. 

Regardless, the training was loud and exhilarating, and she was nearly always hitting exactly where she aimed by the time six weeks had come and gone. 

The first time she nearly shot a man was when Ivan had come up behind her sometime in late May. 

Her protective ear wear made the sounds around her dull as she unloaded a magazine shot after shot into the paper target ahead of her. 

He was lucky that she unloaded it. 

When he came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, she whipped around and had it pointed at him so quickly that he couldn’t have had a chance to move away if she’d decided to pull the trigger. 

Her face was wild as she ripped off the headwear, and the grin on his face infuriated her. 

“Why are you smiling! I could have killed you!” 

“You couldn’t have,” he challenged, tapping the pistol in her hand, “Counted.” 

Natalia furrowed her brow and looked down at the pistol, ejecting the magazine and huffing as she realized it really was empty. 

“You must learn to count your shots, _Natashka_. You should know when you need to reload.  Hesitation can mean life or death,” he stared pointedly as she deposited the gun on the table beside her. 

“I know. I’ll do better,” she nodded. 

He smiled and brushed her hair back, “I know you will, _kroshka_. You always do.” 

“Are you going to call me that forever? I’m not so little anymore, you know,” she placed her hands on her hips. 

He chuckled deeply and shook his head, “You will always be my little crumb. Humor an old man.” 

She only half tried to hide her grin.

 

**~X~**

 

By the time her fifteenth birthday came, there were fourteen girls still training. 

In hand to hand, they continued to wait with baited breath to see who would be tasked to kill next. If they saw the potential in their training, they paired them with the weakest link. That’s what they had done with Natalia and that’s what they continued to do with those who hadn’t made their first kill yet. 

It eliminated the ones who would never make a first kill.

~ 

The new year marked the relocation of the girls to the small concrete bedrooms located below ground level, nearer to the big gym and more convenient. Natalia wasn’t sure it was better than sharing. They were still handcuffed at night and the concrete squares couldn’t be any larger than ten feet by ten feet. It felt more like a prison than a liberty. 

Regardless, Natalia knew better than to complain.

~ 

Slowly, they began to introduce the art of withholding information through torture. 

It was horrific. _But necessary_. They’d said. The world would not show them mercy if they graduated. They had to learn how to withstand questioning and extract themselves or they might as well be dead. 

 _Your scars will make you stronger, Natalia_. 

Madame B was ruthless, and she began to push her again just as she had those few years ago when her first kill came around. Her torment went longer and harder, and the other girls would watch on with a disgusting satisfaction as she fought to succeed. 

Her success came to help her by midsummer, when the Madame stood before them to decide now who would earn the “ _privilege_ ” of learning the art of torture first. 

She made her second kill. 

 _More red…_  

And then there were thirteen.

 ~

One week before she turned sixteen, winter came.

Natalia was dancing through the lunch hour instead of eating. Madame B had permitted it, just barely, and only because she couldn’t in her right mind punish the girl for pushing herself further. She’d sent her with a piece of bread and a stringent warning to be to her next lesson on time or face the consequences. 

The music in her head was enough to carry her through the space, still warm from their class that had ended before lunch. Her limbs carried her with detailed grace, from the curve of her arms to the softness of her fingers to the arch of her feet _en pointe_. 

When she came to stillness, she was facing the mirror. Her scrutinizing gaze came back to herself, eyes wandering down the lines of her body. She drew her fingers down her neck, tilted her head.

Was she beautiful? 

A creak by the door startled her out of her reverie and her head snapped to look, quick to brush the tear on her cheek away. 

She was taken by surprise at the man she saw standing there. Her brows came together as she examined him. She’d never seen him before. The stubble on his cheeks gave a gruffness to him that seemed abrasive. His hair was dark, brown she thought, though there was a glare from the window. What stood out most starkly though was the glint of his left arm.

Was that…? She squinted. 

Metal. 

It was so perfectly constructed that she thought she might be wrong. Maybe just a sleeve? But then his other arm was bare. 

Her eyes returned to his face and she watched him smirk. Her stomach flipped as she swallowed. 

 _Stop being weird, Natalia, Christ._  

“Your dancing was exceptional.” 

Her cheeks flushed red and she was suddenly glad for the bright window behind her that washed her color out. 

“ _Soldat!_ ” 

She watched as he stood at attention, turning away from her to face the man that approached him. She saw when he stepped into the light that it was Ivan. His sternness was replaced with a proud regard when he turned to see Natalia standing there, the chiffon of her skirt still as she maintained a firm fifth position. 

“Natalia. Good. Come, please,” he said, holding out his arm. As she approached, he stepped to her and placed his hand between her shoulder blades. 

The soldier regarded her now with far more solemnity than he had only moments ago. He met her gaze with a firmness that made the hair on her arms stand straight. 

“ _Soldat_. Natalia Romanova. I think she may prove to be quite the challenge to you,” he said, pride radiating through every word. 

The soldier bowed his head respectfully, “Miss Romanova.” 

Ivan spoke again as she nodded her head in return, “Natalia, the Asset. He will be taking the place of Mistress Nastia in your combat training. You will be a formidable match to him; I’m confident.” 

“I hope you won’t restrain yourself, comrade,” she said, meeting his eyes. 

She could have sworn she saw the hint of a smirk at his lips as he bowed his head again. 

Ivan continued. 

“Come, _Soldat_. The Madame is expecting us and Miss Romanova must return to her lessons. Take this week to prepare yourself, Natalia. Next week shall be a challenge for each and every one of you,” he cautioned. 

“Yes, sir,” she offered a brisk, utilitarian curtsy, a habit of dancing, as she stole a glance at the clock on the wall. 

She had ten minutes to get changed and to target practice, and still she stole a moment to watch after him as they left. 

Her sixteenth year, she was sure, would prove to be something fascinating. 

The Asset. 

Her arms prickled as she recalled the darkness in his eyes. 

She shivered, made for her water bottle, and took to the lockers downstairs.

 _A formidable match indeed_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, it's James and he'll be back for more in chapter five so stay tuned!
> 
> Thank you all for reading!


	5. and i am done with my graceless heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barely restraining her urge to throttle the girl beside her, Natalia whipped her water bottle from the floor and blazed from the room. The Asset stared after her, surprised she didn’t leave a trail of fire in her wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this process is teaching me anything it's that I need to work on my patience levels before the next work in this series because I just cannot stop myself from throwing every finished chapter I have right at you guys. But we're already here at this point so c'est la vie. Have chapter five!
> 
> I'm so excited for James to finally enter the mix! We're slowing down the passage of time in this fic to focus on her last few years in the Red Room, so I hope you're all ready and excited for some angst and spice and hurt and comfort. The last half of this sure is a wild ride.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter include violence, and a lightly hinted at and unwanted attempt to seduce a minor (I'll quell your worry for the good of the cause and spoil that it's not James).
> 
> Any mistakes are my own! I edited this chapter a few different times, but it's very possible that I didn't catch everything.  
> ____
> 
> No new translations this time around.  
> ____

* * *

_Her sixteenth year, she was sure, would prove to be something fascinating._

_The Asset._

_Her arms prickled as she recalled the darkness in his eyes._

_She shivered, made for her water bottle, and took to the lockers downstairs._

_A formidable match indeed._

* * *

 

On the day of her sixteenth birthday, the asset was introduced to all of them. 

It had been a week since she'd been introduced to him for the first time. Now Ivan stood before the girls with the soldier at his side, explaining away the sudden departure of Mistress Nastia. Natalia knew better than to take it at face value. Nastia had begun lacking. The Red Room didn’t grant second chances very often. She couldn’t say that she particularly minded, especially given the intrigue surrounding their new instructor. He wasn’t bad to look at either. 

“You are to address him as you address all of your teachers. He will not be forgiving in your lessons. Each and every one of you has the chance to prove that you belong here. I advise that you treat it with the utmost importance,” Ivan spoke, then motioned for the Asset to step forward into the center mat. 

The girls were silent and Natalia could feel her body thrumming with anxiety as she felt Ivan’s eyes land on her. 

“Natalia,” he said, holding his hand out toward the soldier. 

She swallowed, glancing at the man waiting to begin. She could see the muscles working beneath the skin of his flesh arm, the plates flexing on his metal. Natalia stepped forward until she stood only four feet away. 

His assault began out of nowhere, catching her off guard as he swept her legs out from underneath her. She thumped to her back on the mat and growled, kicking into gear as she grabbed onto his metal wrist. Her thumb drove into the pressure point behind his knee as she swung to her feet. 

He tore out of her grip and they circled each other, hitting and blocking. He was antagonizing her as she strategized, tried to get a read on him, on his movements, his predictability. 

“Natalia, fight!” 

Ivan’s snap pulled her out of her head. She went in on him again. His movements complimented her to a point where it could have been a dance if it weren’t for the punches and the grunts. 

Their combat lasted for minutes, though it felt like a second to Natalia. She heard the girls murmur, then a hush. He belted the side of her head. Her ears rang. _Soldat_ hooked one arm around her waist and the other behind her knee, her back slamming into the mat as he brought her down with a breathless grunt. 

Her vision swam. Her head was spinning.   

As she laid there, chest heaving, she saw him do it again, like he had the night she'd met him. That disguised half smirk that now she wanted to knock off of his face. 

“You said not to go easy on you,” he explained, the smirk finding his lips fully as he stood straight, “Come on. Up. Who is next?” 

Natalia’s cheeks were flushed, though not entirely from their fight. She pushed herself up to her feet and stood back in line, risking a glimpse at Ivan whose grin was alarmingly proud of her. She hadn’t expected that, but she began to realize why as she watched the Asset take down most of her peers in thirty seconds flat. 

When all thirteen of them stood in a line again, Ivan took his place next to the man. 

“It would appear you all have a great deal of work to put in,” his voice cut, “ _Soldat_. Your feedback.”

He regarded them, features hard, “Miss Romanova seems to be far more capable than many of you. I wonder why that is?” 

God, she hated that. Constant isolation. It never failed to make the other girls hostile. 

She’d realized years ago that that was the point. 

“Special treatment, sir.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“If I may, sir. She is given far more opportunity than the rest of us.”

Natalia’s fist clenched at her side. She glared at the girl beside her. 

“What is your name?” the soldier asked, stepping to them.

“Anya Belova, sir,” she bowed her head. 

He didn’t regard her. Instead, he looked to Natalia.

“Miss Romanova, you are relieved from hand to hand. I will tell you when you may return to take classes with the rest of us. For the time being Madame B will find a way for you to occupy your time.” 

Her face fell, meeting his eyes, then looking down the line at the rest of the girls, then to Ivan and back to the soldier. 

She shook her head, “That’s not-… I-“ 

He held his hand up to stop her, “We are not negotiating. You may go.” 

 _The nerve_. 

She looked to Ivan again and her blood boiled when he didn’t make any move to stop it. Her nails cut into the flesh of her palms as her jaw tightened.

 _Happy fucking birthday._

Barely restraining her urge to throttle the girl beside her, Natalia whipped her water bottle from the floor and blazed from the room. The Asset stared after her, surprised she didn’t leave a trail of fire in her wake.

 

~

 

Her sharp knock came to Madame B’s office door not a minute later. The woman looked up from her work and rose a disapproving brow. 

“Enter.” 

Natalia did and stood before her, chest heaving from her anger. Disapproval became surprise, but reverted back to dissatisfaction as the headmistress stood and crossed her arms, “Natalia. You should be in class.”

“I was asked to leave,” she said through gritted teeth. 

The woman’s eyes narrowed as she rounded her desk to stand before her. 

“And why is that?” 

“The others expressed their concern that I receive more opportunities than the rest of them. The soldier asked me to leave and not return to the class until he requested me back,” she seethed. 

“Before or after you all had the chance to spar with him?” 

“After, but I don’t see why my success means that my training should suffer!” 

“Don’t you? They quite clearly need more help.” 

“They should have worked harder!” 

“Perhaps this is a plan. Have you thought about that?” 

“It doesn’t matter! It isn’t fair!” 

Madame B’s hand met her cheek with a resounding slap that had her head whipping to the side and her mouth falling open in soundless shock.  

She remained silent as she brought her cold hand to her red, stinging cheek. 

“This world does not exist to treat you fairly, you stupid little girl. Stop throwing a fit and take care of yourself. Dance in your free time. You’re always so desperate for it you should be grateful to have the chance. If the Asset doesn’t want you training in combat, don’t train in combat. Figure out your own way through it.” 

When she didn’t respond, the woman took ahold of her chin and forced her to look at her. 

“Do you understand me!” she snapped. 

“I understand! Madame.” 

She released her and returned to her desk, leaving her standing, biting the insides of her cheeks while she waited. 

“Leave my office, Natalia. I will not be so kind if you bring this nonsense to me again.” 

With a quick bow of her head, she did as she was told, letting the door close behind her.

 

~

 

She did as Madame B had said. After target practice the following day, she followed her classmates toward the mats, but kept walking to the stairs after they’d stopped. She would dance and keep her agility in peak condition. She would prove them all wrong. Prove that she worked for what she got. She did. She knew she did. She had to. 

Natalia was pulled from her thoughts when a hand twisted into her hair and yanked her back as two separate pairs of hands took hold of her wrists. Anya’s voice came to her ear. 

“How does it feel? No one’s favoring you anymore. I wonder how long you’ll last now that you don’t have anyone holding your hand,” she spat, venom in her tone. 

Natalia’s response sibilated as her left wrist was bent backwards. 

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, Belova. Let me go before I make you let me go!” 

“Sure you wanna do that?  _K_ _roshka_?” she taunted. 

Natalia’s body shifted into motion as she slammed the back of her head into the girl’ face, getting her arms loose with a disturbing lack of effort. She spun around, fist flying and knocking a bloody nosed Anya to the ground, getting on top of her and rearing back to hit her again. Her stupid little friends had backed up and she didn’t realize why until she felt metal seize her bicep and yank her up. 

He turned her around to face him, “Did I not make myself perfectly clear yesterday, Miss Romanova?” His voice did not display the sincerity it probably should have. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” she snarled, tearing herself from his grip and striding to the stairs. 

He didn’t stop her, and she’d give anything to bet he had that stupid smirk on his face even as she heard him say “Get off your ass, Belova”. 

She stopped in the locker room to change into her dancewear, then went to dance.

 

**~X~**

 

Her days continued like this for three weeks, the frustration of not being able to train while her classmates did building to startling high. Anya continued to taunt her and Natalia continued to ignore her lest Madame B find out she caused a scene even after their talk. All she really wanted to do was beat her into the ground, but she was really trying not to make it personal. Bad to let passion leak into fighting. Passion was a disease. It could make anyone sloppy, and sloppy here meant death.

Instead, she channeled her fury into her dancing and did it until her toes bled and her legs felt like giving out from her overworking. If she just kept going, kept fighting, kept ignoring the girls around her, she would get through and come out better for it. Or she would keep telling herself that. 

Until finally, one day in December, the soldier stopped her on her way to the locker room. 

His call of her name stopped her in her tracks, though she didn’t turn around. 

“Would you care to join us again?”

 _About time._  

Ivan rounded the corner in front of her and smiled when he saw her. She turned to them as he walked past her to the mat. 

“Care to fight first? I’ve invited Comrade Petrovich to observe the girls’ progress.” 

 _The Girls. Are you not one of them anymore?_

Sour, she said nothing as she made her way over to the group, coming to a stop before him and meeting his eyes. Something strange flickered there, but it was gone as soon as it came. He looked at the line of girls. 

“Belova.” 

Her fist clenched. This was becoming annoying. 

Anya didn’t seem to agree. She stepped forward, the cocky leer on her face grating at Natalia’s nerves. 

The soldier stepped out of the center and stood beside Ivan. 

“I expect complete silence from the rest of you.” 

They complied. 

Anya’s assault was unrelenting, and Natalia’s restriction from even training by herself put her at a sizeable disadvantage. A fist lodged into her stomach, knocking the air out of her and forcing a choking cough from her. 

She fought on still, for several minutes, unused muscles in her arms screaming with the force of every fresh blow she made. She was getting tired. The only sounds in the room were their grunts and huffs and strikes. Still it was remarkable how much her classmate hadn’t improved. 

Her movements were too charged with that devil called passion, her desire to take Natalia down overshadowing her regard for technique. 

"Don't you know what they say about letting your feelings interfere?" she grunted.

Natalia’s heel crushed into her foot as her elbow thrust up under her chin, forcing her to stumble.

"Makes you sloppy," she smirked. 

The girl growled, agitation coloring her face. Her hand felt around strangely at her hip. 

She charged her. 

Natalia felt the impact of her own fist against Anya’s cheek before the felt the knife in her side. 

Anya’s foot came to her chest when she fell to her knees and then she was on her back with a cry of pain, the girl standing over her, “Poor Natalia. Who’s sloppy now? Who's going to help you this time?” 

Anya turned from her heaving, pain wracked body. This fight was over. 

Until it wasn’t. 

The clatter of the knife as Natalia yanked it out of her side and threw it off the mat came just before she jumped herself onto Anya’s back and locked her arm around her neck. 

“Still you, Anya, and I'm going to help myself. Don’t you remember Mistress Nastia’s instructions?” she hissed in her ear. 

Her arm tightened.

 

“Always finish the job.”

 

The unmistakable crack came an instant before Natalia pushed her lifeless body to the ground and stumbled back. 

 _Twelve_. 

She could only hear ringing and see red before everything went dark.

~

When Natalia woke, she noticed first the beeping machine beside her, then the voices in the corner, then the smell of the infirmary, then the stiffness of the bed, then the brightness her closed eyes were protecting her from. 

Somewhere the memory of a van door opening tried to come out. 

Her eyes drifted open, sluggish from anesthetic, adjusting to the light as she took stock of her surroundings. 

“Natalia,” the smiling voice of Ivan came as she looked toward the door. She noticed the soldier slip out as Ivan moved in. 

He stepped in, to the bed, and sat beside her, touching her hand, “You did fantastic work yesterday, _Kroshka_.” 

“Please don’t call me that anymore.” 

Ivan seemed as though he was going to say something, but identifying the utter exhaustion in her eyes, he didn’t. 

“Very well… In any case, Natalia, you passed your annual physical assessment.” 

The redhead scoffed, then winced at the pain in her side. Of course it was a test. She lifted the cover to see her torso wrapped in gauze low beneath the sports bra she wore. 

“Yes, you took quite the hit yesterday,” he grinned as he observed her, “Madame B has agreed to hold off on your written assessment until you’re out of the infirmary. Either way it shouldn’t be difficult for you. I’ve heard you’ve been doing quite well in the introduction of allurement and coercion. I’m not surprised. You continue to prove yourself.” 

Her eyes were heavy as she half listened to his words, though she felt unsettled by the soft tone that they seemed to take. 

She felt his hand caress her cheek in a way it never had, “Pretty, _Natashka_. I will leave you to rest. Mistress Katya will be in tomorrow morning with your non-physical lessons.” 

 _Pretty?_ _Why was he talking like that?_  

Her eyes closed again, tired and wanting to will him away. She was too tired to rationalize the way he was acting. 

He stood from the bed and she felt him hovering over her, then his lips on her forehead. 

The moment seemed to last far too long before he pulled away and was gone.

~ 

The next time she woke, it was darker. There were no windows in the room, but the infirmary was quiet and the lights were dimmed. 

When she looked toward the clock, she realized she wasn’t alone. The heart monitor betrayed her as it sped up. Sitting in the chair by the wall was _Soldat_. His chin lifted in acknowledgement of her waking, though he made no move to stand or come closer. 

She was the first to speak when his silence began to irritate her. 

“Why are you in here?” 

That smirk lit up again as he shook his head. 

“You’re very temperamental, aren’t you, Romanova?” 

“You haven’t given me a reason not to be, _comrade_.” 

His eyes sparked with amusement as he watched her, then shook his head. 

“No, I suppose I haven’t, have I?” 

Her only response was the quirk of her brow as she looked forward. 

Several moments passed before he starting speaking again. 

“How is your side feeling?” 

“Like it’s been stabbed.”

Her dryness made him breathe a puff of laughter.

"Well you did get a little cheeky with Belova earlier."

It took her by surprise and she looked at him again, brow scrunching up. 

“You’re laughing at me now?” 

The heart monitor sped up again. 

“You’d better calm that down or the nurse will come in here and then where would we be?” 

She huffed, eyes rolling back so far he was surprised they didn’t stick. 

“I was walking back from-…” he stopped and shook his head, “I noticed you weren’t moving in here and your heartbeat was just as slow as when I walked past the first time. So I stepped in. I may be too curious for my own good, but you really should be having more natural REM cycles, so I suppose it’s a good thing I can tell you that, Miss Romanova.” 

The tone of casualty he took made her pause a moment before responding. 

“Please, sir, we’re sharing a room and you watch me sleep. Call me Natalia,” she quipped. 

His smirk returned as he chuckled again, “As you wish, Natalia.” 

Her name on his lips made her stomach flutter. This was strange. She’d never been attracted to a man before… Ivan was like a father to her and the girls didn’t see much by way of soldiers around the facility. 

 

 _Annoying_. 

 

A beat came and went. 

“Where were you coming from?” 

Another beat as his eyes darkened and he looked away from her. The air in the room shifted.

“Not important for you to know.” 

“It’s important for you to know my sleep cycles?” 

“Not the same. Not even close.” 

She stared at him as silence swallowed the room. There was so much about him that she didn’t understand, she realized. He was so new and strange to her. It was like he had a switch that could flip instantly. She found herself wanting to know more. 

After a moment. 

“Well what can I call you then?” 

“Excuse me?”

“You know my name. I don’t know yours.” 

“Yes you do. I am the Asset. _Soldat_.” 

She seemed unimpressed. 

“You must have had a name before you became a soldier,” she flattened. 

He regarded her with a strange gaze, but didn’t speak. Any trace of the playfulness from just minutes ago was gone now. At once she remembered that she was still speaking to her superior and her cheeks blazed as she looked away. 

“Never mind, I’m-… being inappropriate. I’m sorry-” 

“James.” 

She stared back at him again. 

He met her eyes. She thought it seemed as though he’d just remembered it. 

“My name was James.” 

“James,” she said, feeling it in her mouth. It wasn't a Russian name. Her brow pinched, "Was?" 

His face was odd but as he rose to his feet he offered her a little smile. 

“I should be going now. You need rest, Natalia. You have lessons coming in the morning.” 

She liked the sound of him saying her name in a way she’d never experienced before. It was softer than she was used to. His tone held a sort of tender respect. For now, she would let go his dismissal of her questioning. 

“Sleep well,” he said, coming to the door. 

“As well as I can with a stab wound.” 

"Don't be so cocksure around a knife next time."

That smirk of his followed and she returned it. 

“Good night, Natalia.” 

“Good night, James.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed our first full chapter with the Winter Soldier! I can certainly tell you that it gets sadder before it gets gladder, so buckle your seatbelts! All aboard Em's Feelings Rollercoaster!
> 
> Thank you all for reading! More to come as soon as I finish chapter eight!
> 
> \- Em


	6. you are the silence in between what i thought and what i said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been six months since the arrival of the Asset, a little over five since Natalia had brought their numbers to twelve, and the Academy was more than pleased with the change of staff.
> 
> Soldat pushed the girls in ways that Nastia had never tried.
> 
> James however – he became Natalia’s only confidant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of things happen in this chapter and all I can tell you is good luck! 
> 
> ____
> 
> BIG trigger warning for sexual harassment that ends just short of becoming sexual assault. If this will trigger you in any way please do not read. Taking care of yourself is MUCH more important than reading a fic.  
> ____
> 
>  
> 
> Translations:
> 
> Tashka, Natashenka, and Tashenka are all derivatives/nicknames  
> Yasha is a diminutive of James
> 
> 'Malen’kiy pauk' - Little Spider  
> 'Pauchka' - Cutification of Spider
> 
> 'ty zhopa' - you ass
> 
> 'kotenok' - kitten  
> ____
> 
> Any editing mistakes are mine!

* * *

_“Sleep well,” he said, coming to the door._

_“As well as I can with a stab wound.”_

_He smirked briefly._

_“Good night, Natalia.”_

_“Good night, James.”_

* * *

  

 _Smack_. 

“You call that a hit? That was barely a tap.”

“You’re such an ass.” 

 _Kick._

_Grunt._

“Pick it up, Natalia. I’m yawning.” 

“Yeah me too! You woke me up five minutes ago!” 

_Punch. Lunge. Knee._

“That’s more like it! You have to learn how to be able to roll out of bed and defend yourself or you’ll be as good as dead when you get into the field.” 

“And here I was thinking you woke me up because you wanted to hang out.” 

 _Whack._

_Groan._  

 _Smirk._  

“You’re testy today. Are you trying to tell me something?” 

“Yeah, watch your six.” 

He whipped around suddenly with the concern of her being caught out of her room at night, but a second later her thighs were closing around his head and she was taking him to the ground. 

Natalia smirked down at him as she stood up. 

“Your other six.”

“You’re a menace, Romanova. Using a move I taught you in confidence against me?” 

She brushed her hands together, “Gotta do what you gotta do, James.” 

He shook his head, though his grin was wide as she reached a hand down to help him to his feet. 

It had been six months since the arrival of the Asset, a little over five since Natalia had brought their numbers to twelve, and the Academy was more than pleased with the change of staff. 

 _Soldat_ pushed the girls in ways that Nastia had never tried. 

 _James_ however – he became Natalia’s only confidant. 

He found the fire in her compelling, and he didn’t see it in the other girls. They would graduate, of that he was sure, but none of them would go on to do what Natalia had the capability of. She was a force to be reckoned with. She was unpredictable, and that would come to her aid when she went into the field. It would make her unstoppable. 

It was somewhere in those six months that they’d devised a plan to meet at night to continue training and to keep each other company. His stealth was almost unmatchable. Natalia didn’t know how or what he did to ensure the cameras didn’t catch them, and she didn’t care to question it presently. There was something thrilling about waking up to him unlocking the cuff that bound her to her bed. He would take her out to mat storage where there were no cameras to train in ways the other girls couldn’t master. 

She would be an absolute liar if she tried to tell herself that she hadn’t developed feelings for him. 

He was wholly the opposite of what Madame B had taught them men were like. In their lessons, she’d been severe in her narrative. 

“All men are the same. Sex hungry pigs who will offer any information, will tell you just what you want to hear, with barely a stroke of your hand.” 

Natalia didn’t want to think that it could be so black and white, especially now that James had entered her life in a whirlwind and changed her perception of almost everything. 

But then there was Ivan, betraying her trust and affection for him, lurking in wait in the shadows, who was more black and white than she’d ever realized. The hurt of it hit hard and it hit fast enough to jar her, to rattle her up. 

Her feeling of betrayal from his years long game of deception began to shift into resentment sometime after his touch began to repulse her. 

His hands began to linger longer than necessary, even longer when no one was around to see. His words were softer, the tone of them shifting into something she wasn’t at all used to hearing from him, something she never _wanted_ to hear from him. It made her stomach ache and her blood boil. 

She wasn’t so stupid as to not realize his view of her had shifted in a monumental way. 

Natalia knew what it was, knew objectively that she was beautiful. His care for her had shifted into attraction as soon as she started to look like a woman and he just took it and ran with it. She was an object to him now; perhaps she always had been. The thought made her skin crawl. She hated him for it. She despised the only person she’d ever trusted. 

But then there was James. 

Somehow so different from anyone she’d ever met here and nothing at all like Ivan. Like everyone else, he didn’t go out of his way to take care of her, didn’t treat her like a child, but where everyone else laid claim to what they were making her, James didn’t treat her like an object. He treated her as his equal, and even more so when they weren’t surrounded by eyes. 

The darkness of him seemed to lighten when they were alone together, the creases disappearing from his face and the sharp edges of him softening. She supposed it all was why she found him in her dreams at night. 

It was stupid. 

She felt a tap on her forehead and her focus returned to him. 

“ _Malen’kiy pauk_? Where did you go?” 

Natalia looked up at him standing before her and shook her head, “Sorry. Nowhere. Exhausted. Yesterday was long.” 

“I should let you rest tonight,” he said, holding a water bottle out to her. 

She took it, nodding her head, and he began walking her back to her room. 

Inside, she lowered herself onto the bed. He noticed her hand shaking as she brought the water bottle to her lips, brow furrowing as he observed her. 

“Are you sure everything is okay? I’ve never seen you this distant,” he said, crossing his arms in front of him. 

She took a deep breath and the shake of her head turned into a nod, “I’m fine. Exam tomorrow is all.”

He didn’t look like he believed her. Whether that was straight down to intuition or whether he’d noticed any of Ivan’s behavior towards her in the past months, Natalia didn’t know or care to guess. 

“Will you tell me a story?” 

His disbelief turned into slight surprise at her question. He hummed and tilted his head from side to side. 

“I don’t know if I know any good stories. Baba Yaga?” 

“Not a fairytale, you dope. A story about yourself.” 

His face lit up as he scoffed laughter, “Always the charmer, Talia.” 

Her eyes were smirking with affection. 

“Just do it so I can go to bed.” 

She scooted to the side in an invitation for him to sit beside her. 

“I don’t know if-“ 

“What? Scared I’ll come up on your six again?” 

“Not exactly,” he huffed, but sat down beside her. 

“Tell me something you’ve never told anyone.” 

He sighed out his breath and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. He was deep in thought, and Natalia observed him while he remained silent. 

She could see his right arm flexing even in the dark and thought he must be clenching and unclenching his hand, though why, she didn’t know. The mechanics of his metal arm whirred quietly every time he moved. She could almost watch whatever internal battle he was having just in observing his muscles tense and relax and tense again. 

She almost thought he wasn’t going to say anything at all until he started speaking. 

“I don’t remember my life before my handlers. I know I must’ve had one, but-” 

Natalia watched him. 

“I only know what they put in my head. Everything before this part of my life they just leave blank. Nonexistent. But sometimes there are these-…” 

He shook his head and sighed. 

“There’s a dream that I’ll have sometimes. It’s the only dream I ever have, always the same, and it’s so vivid it’s almost like I’m real, like I’m there in the dream.” 

He was quiet again. 

“What happens in it?” 

He paused, looking at her as if to search her eyes for something. She wondered what. Trustworthiness maybe. 

Could she be trusted? 

He seemed to decide for himself that she could. 

“I’m… Walking. Through an American Carnival. The lights are bright and the music is brighter. And there’s some scrawny little blond guy who I don’t even know if he’s tall enough to go on the Ferris Wheel. He’s about to yell something at me, but then I hear someone calling my name. A woman. And I turn around and she’s this brunette, and I know that I’ve met her before but I can’t remember her name. But then she’s staring past me, and when I turn back around the scrawny little guy is gone. In his place is this hulk of a man and his face looks like the little guy’s, but he’s huge and-“ 

He shook his head. 

She noticed there might have been tears in his eyes. 

“-… And?” 

“And then I wake up.” 

Several moments passed, and then she slipped her arm around his until their fingers were interlacing. She felt him stiffen, but he didn’t move away as she leaned into his side and rested her head on his shoulder. 

She had enough intuition to sense that he didn’t want to continue talking about it, so she didn’t ask him to. Instead, after catching his eyes for a moment, she shifted until she could slip her arms around him. His body was tense and warm under her touch, but after a minute of stewing in his near constant internal conflict, he relaxed into her, wrapping his arms around her in return and tucking her head under his chin. 

 

They stayed like that for as long as they could.

  

She’d lost track of the passing minutes by the time she heard his voice again. 

“I should let you sleep,” he said, and she felt the rumble of his chest lulling her. 

She didn’t move. 

James looked down at her and smiled sadly, releasing a puff of laughter as he touched her hair cautiously, “Come on, _malen’kiy pauk_. Time for bed.”

“Why do you call me that?” 

“Are you kidding? How can you climb on people the way you do and still ask me that?” 

She laughed into his shirt. 

Reluctant, Natalia peeled away and tucked herself beneath her blanket. 

She gave her arm to him, wincing a bit as his thumb ghosted tenderly over the permanent bruise circling her wrist. She felt like she’d never get rid of it. She squeezed his hand gently. 

“Thank you. For sharing that. I know it must be difficult, whatever they did to you. Do to you,” she amended, “I’m sorry.” 

He smiled and shook his head at her, “Nothing for you to be sorry for.” 

He refastened the cuff to her wrist. 

“Good night, Talia.”

“Good night, James _._ ” 

 **~**   

The summer passed more quickly than Natalia would have liked, and as soon as the warm weather left them altogether, she wished for the cold season to come and go swiftly. 

If she’d known what her birthday would bring and then the week following, she might not have been so quick to wish the time away. 

She and James grew much closer as summer flew by. He wouldn’t come to her every night; he didn’t want to push their luck. But at some point the nights that he did started to become more than what they were before. More often than not now they would forgo a spar completely to sit in her little room and simply be together. 

He’d stay on the ground out of respect until she got sick of him being a gentleman and told him to stop being weird and to get off the floor. The act never differed, but a large part of Natalia liked it that way. He amused her and it became a familiar and comfortable routine, one that didn’t change until the night of her seventeenth birthday when he came in with a smirk on his lips and shut the door quietly behind him. 

She was already awake and watching him with a lifted brow. He unlocked her cuff and stared down at her, grinning. 

“Happy Birthday.” 

She smirked and rolled her eyes half-heartedly as she sat up and he sat beside her, taking advantage of him not sitting on the floor for once to lean into him and lay her head on his shoulder. His cheek rested against her hair after a moment of hesitation. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t bring you something,” he said. 

Natalia shook her head, “You brought me your company. That’s all I could have wanted.” 

She smiled, though perhaps it was a little bit of a lie. 

She could think of a number of things she’d like but none of them involved bringing anything. 

Her thoughts caught her again. She was stupid to think that. She was stupid to feel the way that she did. Madame B wouldn’t falter to discipline her if she found out. Developing feelings for someone, developing any sort of a relationship – it wasn’t an option for any of them. Then an instructor on top of it all. 

But he still made her want to throw all caution to the wind. 

James was quite possibly the biggest mystery of a person she would ever encounter. His life experience vastly outweighed her own and his past was an enigma. He seemed frozen in time, more memories of some former existence haunting him at night after he’d spoken one into life. 

“ _Tashka_?” 

She turned her head to look at him and broke her silence. 

“Do you remember having lovers in your past life?” 

Even in the dark, she could almost see the surprise grow on his face. 

“W-… What?” 

His mouth was dry. 

“Do you remember hav-“ 

“I, yes. I heard you,” he huffed a little laugh, “Why the sudden curiosity?” 

She shook her head and pulled her legs to her chest, resting her chin on her knees, “Just… I guess because I’ll never have that. Not really. So if you actually did have another life I guess I would just hope for you that you’d gotten to, maybe?” 

She paused in her contemplation, finding a more truthful answer to his question.

“Or maybe I’m just curious about what it would be like.” 

He was staring at her and she could feel it. Pinching her brow together she turned to look at him and reprimand him for pitying her, but the words died on her lips when she saw the look of absolute infatuation on his face. She couldn’t remember ever feeling an exhilaration quite like this one. 

He reached forward and cradled her hand in his, bringing it up to ghost a kiss against her palm. Her heart skipped and she swallowed. 

“Will you kiss me?” she whispered. 

He seemed to be fighting that inner battle _again_ that Natalia wasn’t sure if he was winning or not. He caught her eyes. 

“You’re nervous,” she said.

But he brought his hand to cradle her cheek, and then he was leaning into her and connecting their lips. His were soft, or at least softer than she’d imagined they would be, but firm against her own. 

It made her heart thrum wildly, her stomach flip. 

The moment didn’t last for more than an instant. It ended abruptly, more quickly than it had begun as he pulled away from her and got to his feet, shaking his head. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t, you could-… This is too dangerous. I-” he sighed out a heavy rumble of frustration, “I won’t take advantage of you like this.” 

Her brow lifted to her hairline. 

“Take advantage of me? You’re right, you won’t take advantage of me. It’s insulting that you think I would let you,” she stood, hands on her hips. 

“You’re only seventeen, Natalia!” 

She wanted to shake what she felt into him and hit him over the head for making assumptions about what she did and didn’t want or need, but how could she really even be upset at him? At his consideration? She wasn’t used to ever having her well-being considered, and now on the one thing she could say that she definitively wanted… Natalia huffed her frustration and closed her eyes, arms crossing in front of herself. 

They stood in silence for what seemed like an eon until she felt him step closer and cup her cheek in his hand again. 

“You’re too special to me, to put you in that position, in that kind of danger. You know what would happen if they found out. I’m yours, _pauchka_. But far, for now. Focus on getting to graduation, _Tashenka_. For you,” he said. 

She opened her eyes finally to look at him, eyes wet. 

“I wouldn’t graduate for anyone but myself anyway, _ty zhopa_ ,” she rolled her eyes through the tears she was trying to put away, a soft grin breaking out on her lips. 

“There she is,” he snorted, but smiled, affection coloring him as he thumbed a tear away. 

She turned her head away to yawn and sighed, shaking her head. 

“You should sleep. Assessments are next week. Rest up now,” he said, nudging her toward her bed. 

He touched her cheek and kissed her forehead when she was back beneath her blanket, lingering for just a moment, “Happy Birthday, _malen’kiy pauk_.” 

She smiled in spite of her nickname, “Don’t make me beat you up, _soldat_.” 

“Careful, Talia. Your eyes roll so much they might get stuck.”

He laughed and went to the door as she grinned after him. 

“Thank you, Yasha.” 

He paused at her tender nickname and looked back to her, so many words in the one smile that he gave her. 

“Always.”

 ~

It was a week later that she had her first assessment for allurement and coercion.

Madame had explained what it would be just before. 

A man would be cuffed in a holding room, a one-way mirror separating him from her instructors sitting in a row on the other side. She’d be given ten minutes to read his file and assess the information that she needed to gather. 

“You will use subtleties to gain the information needed. At no point are you to touch him, is that clear?” she’d said. 

Natalia had nodded. Madame B didn’t need to explain that when they passed their assessment on subtleties they would move on to physical seduction in class. It had been implied plenty in the weeks leading up to their exams. 

For today, her task was simple, and she could compartmentalize the part of herself that knew something had to be wrong with what they were asking her to do. 

Her assessment took ten minutes. 

She passed with barely a thought about it. 

The trouble came later that evening, after dinner. The only free nights the girls ever received were after assessment day. Following their meal, they were permitted to do as they pleased until lights out. Some of them went to the gym, some to their rooms to relax with a book. Natalia went to dance. 

The ground floor was quiet, the instructors all consumed with a curriculum meeting for the final year. It was a relief that no one was around to interrupt her. The silence made it easier to hear the music in her head as she warmed herself up. 

Sometime after leaving the barre and beginning to dance, she wasn’t alone anymore. She noticed him in the middle of her variation, when she spotted him lurking in the doorway. 

Her dancing came to a halt as she fell off pointe and she straightened, facing him and brushing down the chiffon of her skirt.

“Sir.” 

Ivan stepped forward with a smile, a cat finding a spider.

“Beautiful dancing, _lisichka_.” 

Swallowing, she nodded, then went to the mirrored wall where her water bottle sat on the floor, if only to regain some distance between them. She pulled her long hair down from the bun it was in to hide her neck. Her muscles were drawing up with tension. 

“Thank you. I’ve been working extra when I can.” 

“Not neglecting any of your real work I hope?” he rose a brow. 

He hadn’t stopped on his path to be closer to her. 

“Of course not. No,” she assured as she watched him from her periphery lean against the barre beside her and smile. 

“I could tell by your assessment today that you continue to excel, _kroshka_.” 

She barely concealed a flinch at the nickname she had grown to hate. 

“Yes… Well. I was just heading to sleep. I’d like to be well rested for class in the morning.” 

Natalia offered a smile and made to leave, but his hand curled around her wrist and held her in place. 

“Stay a moment, _Natashka_. I’ve been so busy I’ve hardly had a moment to speak with you. I never had a chance to wish you a happy birthday,” he said. 

Her breath hitched unpleasantly when his thumb brushed the soft, inner part of her wrist. 

She shook her head, “It’s okay. It’s just one more year.” 

“Seventeen! I remember when you were just a precious little thing. Now you’ve grown into such a beautiful young woman, Natalia, full of fire,” he gushed, raising a hand to brush his fingers along her cheekbone. 

Twisted, wasn’t it? How quickly things could change. 

“Sir… I don’t believe this is appropriate,” she flinched away from his touch. 

He chuckled and it made her blood boil. 

“I won’t tell, _kotenok_ …” 

Her first instinct was to strike him, her fist curling in preparation as his fingers slid down her neck. 

He caught her hand tight in his grip when she struck. 

“I don’t think fighting me would be a good idea, sweet girl. What do you think Madame would say? Fighting your superior? That would call for severe discipline, Natalia, you know that. Perhaps even _expulsion_ from the program. And I wouldn’t want to disturb her now that she’s retired for the evening.”

She was silent, her body full to the brim with hatred for the only man she’d ever trusted.

In a sudden moment of surprise, Natalia realized that she was wrong. 

Yasha’s face flashed into her mind and tears came to her eyes. 

“Please, Ivan, don’t do this. Whatever this is… You’re a father to me. Don’t change that.” she pleaded, her heart pounding through her anxiety. 

“Shh,” he murmured, turning her to face the mirror and stepping behind her, “I’m not your father, _Natashka_.” 

All she felt now was disgust as she watched him move her hair off of her collar. 

“Look at you, _kotenok_ ,” he said, breath hitting her neck before he looked at their reflection, “So lovely. I was so proud of you, watching you today. So beautiful.” 

She tried to pull herself from his grip as delicately as she could, but it only served to make him growl and yank her closer. His hands went to her hips and pulled them in. She growled in return, though for an entirely different reason as she felt him press against her backside. 

Let Madame punish her. She wouldn’t roll over for him. It countered everything she’d ever been taught. 

 _Don’t submit until you’re dead_. 

Her elbow reared back, but in a flurry of limbs, he was walking her forward and bending her over the portable barre near the mirror. The metal bruised over her hipbones. One of his hands gripped her wrists behind her back, the other wrapping so tightly in her hair that she cried out when he pulled her head back. 

“Stop!” she yelled, pleading. 

“ _What is going on in here!_ ”

The sibilating voice of Madame B sliced through the studio and Natalia put ten steps between herself and the man when Ivan stepped back in surprise. He didn’t seem quite so confident now in the discipline he’d threatened her with before. Upon looking up at Madame, she noticed James standing there beside her as though they’d been in the midst of a conversation.

“Natalia! To your room! Immediately!” she hissed. 

Anything to get her away from him. She didn’t even grab her bag as she rushed from the room, unable to meet James’s eyes as she passed. 

“Petrovich, my office,” she seethed, “ _Soldat_ , you as well.” 

 ~

She didn’t sleep. 

She made it back to her room right at curfew, and after Katya fastened her cuff, Natalia laid in silence, staring at the ceiling until her eyes began to sting from dryness. She felt nauseous every time the memory of his hands on her came back. 

She was still awake when the door cracked open and James slipped in. 

He was silent as he came to sit beside her on the bed and unlock the cuff. When her wrist came free she sat up, wrapping her arms around him as tight as she could manage. She buried her face against his chest, his arms coming around her in an instant as he pressed his nose into her hair. 

“Madame knows you’re not to blame, Talia,” he assured, holding her tight to his chest, “She  looked ready to kill him for a moment.” 

She looked up from his chest in surprise, “Madame? Why would she?” 

“For all the wrong reasons,” he scoffed, mouth turned downward with displeasure, “For putting the program in a potentially jeopardizing position. If you’d gotten pregnant before the graduation ceremony, if he’d hurt you enough to-“ 

“Graduation ceremony?” 

He paused. If his face could have fallen further, it would have. 

“They haven’t told you.” 

It wasn’t a question. 

Natalia pulled back, looking straight at him, “Haven’t told us what?” 

“It’s not for me to tell, Talia, I’m sorry. If I’d realized I wouldn’t have said anything,” he shook his head. 

“James don’t you dare. What is the ceremony?” she stood on shaky legs. 

He stayed silent. 

“Tell me!” 

“Quiet, Natalia!” he hissed, anxious eyes darting to the door as he stood. 

“Tell me, _soldat_. Or go. I’m sick of being lied to and I am sick of being manipulated. I can’t take it from you too,” she snapped. 

He rubbed a hand over his face, let out a deeply tired sigh as he closed his eyes and sat back down. 

“Sterilization.” 

The word cut through her like a knife and she stood still, feeling almost as if something had already been taken from her. Up until now she’d scarcely given a single thought to children or the fact that she could have them.

Now that this was in her future the possibility seemed so much closer than it had before.

Her body was barely her own to begin with and now they wanted to take even more? She wasn’t even old enough to know if she wanted children.

It hit her then that it wouldn’t matter even if she did. She wouldn’t ever retire from field work to make that decision. 

She only had one year left until graduation. Come the following New Year, she would begin her work as a spy, an assassin, living and breathing for Russia. She couldn’t live for someone else when she wasn’t even living for herself. She’d trained so hard for this and now second thoughts were hitting her in a downpour. She couldn’t fathom how she’d ignored all of it for so long. 

Scratch that. Yes she could. When complying and death were the only options it was easy for a child to choose the former. 

Suddenly, James was standing again and taking her hands, “Talia?” 

She didn’t want to talk about this. 

She shook her head and muttered, “I’m fine,” but still she let his hands slide up her arms to pull her tightly into his chest, embracing her with a care she’d scarcely ever known. 

“You make this life bearable,” she whispered into his neck. 

She could sense that something was off in the way his muscles tensed. Her fingers dug into his back as she pressed closer, eyes opening as she stared at the wall behind him. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” 

His cheek pressed into her hair and she felt the clenching of his jaw. 

“I’m leaving, _Tashenka_ ,” he wavered. 

Her blood felt like it was going cold as she stood motionless in his arms. 

“Leaving?” 

“I’ve been reassigned. Madame and I were on the way to her office to discuss it.” 

“Why?” 

“My handlers received a mission that requires my area and level of expertise. Ivan has been assigned to it as well. It’s why we were looking for him tonight.” 

“When will you be back?” 

He took pause. 

“ _Yasha?_ ” 

“I don’t know that I will be yet.” 

Her mouth and nose pressed into his shoulder as slow tears began to fill her eyes. This time she let them. They spilled over as her diaphragm seized with a hiccough that she muffled into his neck. His arms tightened around her and she became aware with the way his body was trembling that he was letting himself weep with her. 

There had always been a silent acknowledgement between them that this would always be a possibility, but then… 

Nothing ever seems that close until it actually happens. 

“When do you leave?” 

She hated how weak she sounded to herself.

“We’ll be gone before you wake tomorrow.” 

His voice was strained as she pulled back and put her hand on his wet cheek. Her eyes searched his and all at once every feeling she had for him became glaringly obvious. She loved him. 

“Stay with me tonight,” she murmured. Her lower lip was trembling. “Just for a while. Just lay with me. Please.” 

There was that inner battle again, and again she didn’t know whether he won or lost, or even what the battle was this time around, but he leaned down and kissed her, chaste and soft on the lips, and then tenderly on the apple of her cheek. 

He laid down and she followed, facing him as they embraced. Her head rested against his chest as she breathed him in. 

“Tell me a story,” she whispered. 

He smiled. 

“One I’ve never told anyone?” 

She nodded into his chest, tearful smile on her lips. 

He hummed. 

“Well… One time, a little over a year ago, I was assigned to a new task. Teach combat to a group of training assassins at a facility on the outskirts of Moscow. I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I think I was anticipating for it to be the least thrilling mission I’d ever get.” 

“ _Zhopa_.” 

He grinned with her, through the wet in their eyes. 

“Hush, there’s more. The night I arrived I met one of the girls. But first I got to watch her dance. She blew me away. Her grace, her dedication, her agility. It seemed unmatchable. I was completely taken, and then the next day she caught me by absolute surprise. Almost took me to my knees in a spar. Surpassed each and every one of her classmates.” 

“Then you kicked her out of class,” she smirked. 

“I was making a point.” 

“How did that work out for you?” 

“She came back and outshined me by making a point of her own.” 

He grinned against the crown of her head. 

“I started getting to know her. Lethal, committed, and with a personality as fiery as her hair. She was the first to step up in training, and always the last one standing. And somewhere along the way we started growing closer and I thought she couldn’t possibly be a student because she fought like my equal.” 

Her heart felt like bursting, her stomach flipping as she pressed closer, holding him firm. 

“And I fell in love with her,” he whispered, arms tightening around her. 

Her tears returned as he continued to speak. 

“I love you, _Natalia_. It doesn’t matter if I had lovers in a past life. What matters is that you’re here in this one. You made me feel again. I owe you the world for that and I will do whatever is in my power to come back to you.” 

She reached up and brushed the wetness on his face away.

“Keep yourself safe. Don’t do anything stupid when I’m not around to stop it,” she let out a laugh through her tears.

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her, and she brushed her nose to his, whispered, “I love you too.” 

He pulled her close again as a tender blanket of warm silence covered them. Soon, her eyes blinked shut, her face tucked into his chest as she fell into sleep.

~ 

When she woke in the morning, cuff on her wrist replaced, he was gone, only his scent on her pillow and the lingering touch of his lips to hers remaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did tell you to prepare for Em's feelings rollercoaster...
> 
> More on Thursday! Two more chapters left! 
> 
> I can tell you right now that this fic isn't really meant for a happy ending. The last chapter of this story will be less of an ending and more of a stepping off point into the next part of the series. 
> 
> But I do promise that happiness will come eventually! 
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> \- Em


	7. our love is an iron ball wrapped around our ankles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Compartmentalize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: Non-explicit Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, and Nonconsensual surgical operation.  
> ____
> 
> No new translations

* * *

_He pulled her close again as a tender blanket of warm silence covered them. Soon, her eyes blinked shut, her face tucked into his chest as she fell into sleep._

_When she woke in the morning, the cuff on her wrist replaced, he was gone, with only his scent on her pillow and the lingering touch of his lips to hers remaining._

* * *

  

In the months that followed, Natalia focused on getting to the end. Graduation was rapidly approaching and come the next January, she would be tasked to her first real mission. Before that, she had to make it through her preparatory operation. 

It was coming up quick. Come the first of June, Madame B gave Natalia her departure date. June 24 she would be escorted to her drop point. She would have four hours to complete the assigned task, which she would be briefed about on the way. The basics were simple enough. 

In the months leading up to it, she continued her training alongside the other girls. All eleven of them went on their prep ops before Natalia. Four of them didn’t return. 

Having their numbers dwindled to eight made her think of the twenty other girls she’d begun her training with. She’d been responsible for the deaths of three of them. The world was unforgiving. Madame B had done well in teaching them that. 

Natalia persisted, holding out for herself first and foremost, but also holding out for James. The lack of his presence was jarring for her. The sudden absence of her most challenging partner made her worry that she would become stagnant in her training, and she came close to it. 

On top of it, following their last assessments, they’d begun training in physical seduction. 

The thought of using her body and allowing her body to be used made her skin crawl, especially when James had treated her with such tenderness before. 

The only thing she could do was block it all away.

Compartmentalize. 

When she stood at the front of the classroom, sliding her hand over some young soldier’s trousers. 

When she kneeled at the front of the classroom, Madame B’s guidance in her ear as a different soldier threaded his fingers through her hair. 

When she bent over the desk at the front of the classroom, head between one of her classmate’s legs as she was laid out before her; When Madame B asked them to switch positions so she could learn how to moan for her targets. 

When she had sex for the first time at the front of the classroom, trying to disguise the flush of humiliation on her skin and the urge to garrote the man leaning over her, crushing her under his oppressive weight. 

She compartmentalized it all. 

Sex was a tool. A weapon. That was all. It wasn’t for pleasure and it would never be for pleasure. Not for her. 

The weeks drudged on. Her departure date arrived. 

The thought of leaving the academy grounds for the first time in her life was electrifying. As a car took them to the train station, Natalia watched through the tinted windows as the unfamiliar outskirts of _Moskva_ flew by. 

They boarded a train to St. Petersburg. The four hour trip would allot them plenty of time to brief her. In the train car across from Madame B, Natalia fought to keep herself from looking outside, the feeling of freedom building higher the farther they traveled from the place she’d grown up. 

Madame clasped her hands on the small table between them, “The job should be simple for you, Natalia. You will be in attendance at a gala in honor of the Kirov Ballet. Also in attendance,” she pushed a file towards her, “Aleksandr Prostakov.” 

Natalia examined the picture. The man looked to be in his mid-thirties, not especially attractive, though confident behind whatever camera had taken the photo. His dark hair was groomed with immaculate precision. She rose her brow. Madame continued. 

“He had been training with the KGB at the time of the Soviet dissolution. In 1995, he disappeared from our radar completely until six months ago when the FSB obtained security footage of him from the U.S. Embassy in Moscow. Had he not been a ghost for seven years, this may not have been unusual. However that is not the case,” she leaned forward, flipping to the third page of the file sitting before her. 

“We’ve been on his trail for the past six months and we have reason to believe that he has been funneling information through the U.S. Embassy regarding our government security. Though our security technology has of course improved since Prostakov disappeared, he has been operating again in Moscow out of the eye of the Kremlin, and we feel it is absolutely necessary to eliminate any threat he may pose to Russian Intelligence.” 

Natalia glanced over the information as she listened closely, then nodded, “That’s where I come in?” 

“That is where you come in, Natalia. You will be going undercover to the gala as Joy Boylston, a corps member of the American Ballet Theatre. His presence at the gala and in St. Petersburg was facilitated by the U.S. Embassy. As we speak he’s getting ready to pick up a dead drop from the ballroom in the Hotel Astoria as they set up for the event. He will return it to his room in the hotel and attend the event tonight to complete his cover. 

“You are to get close to him this evening. Close enough to allow you to bring him a drink from the bartender we will have planted there. Get him to invite you back to his suite. When his cocktail has incapacitated him, take pictures of the files, leave them exactly as you find them, and go. A car will be out front for you at midnight. 

“I cannot stress enough the importance of timing to you, Natalia. We will be sending you in without communication. If you haven’t arrived at the vehicle by a quarter past, we will expect you to find a way to return to the Academy by yourself by noon tomorrow. If not, we will send someone out to take care of you.” 

Natalia listened intently as she spoke, stomach flipping with nerves. Her first mission, easy, preparatory. Yet four girls had already shown that there was always room for something to go wrong. 

Her chin lifted in confidence. 

“I won’t let you down, Madame.” 

“See that you don’t.”

~ 

The gala was busy, a fact that Natalia had been expecting. She’d spent the remainder of the train ride assessing the file Madame B had provided her with. The event brought in close to three hundred people every year and Natalia’s long dedication to the art ensured that she would dovetail seamlessly with the attendees. 

Upon their arrival to St. Petersburg, they were escorted to a car. Madame B provided her with a black, shimmering evening gown which she changed into as they drove, tinted windows hiding her from the city’s nightlife as they made their way to the Hotel Astoria. Her hair swept off of her neck in an elegant coif and her lips were stained red. 

As they approached the hotel, the woman looked at her. 

“I trust you have no further questions?” 

“No, Madame.” 

“I hope you will not disappoint me, Natalia.” 

“I don’t intend to.” 

Madame B smirked at her, then offered one nod as they pulled up to the busy front of the hotel.

As she stepped out of the car, she became a different person. She walked into the gala, clutch clasped in her hands in front of her. 

Joy Boylston was an American ballerina, timid in her demeanor and content to observe rather than to assert herself. A woman of Prostakov’s dreams, according to his files. Her coyness would attract him so long as Natalia played to his gigantic ego. 

She clocked him within moments of entering the grand ballroom, mind assessing him as she lifted a flute of champagne from a passing tray. Natalia skirted her way through the ballroom, playing effortlessly into the introversion of her cover as she observed the fête around her, all whilst keeping a carefully placed eye on her target. 

She situated herself to the left of a large window and watched, careful to gaze over the entire gala as she did. 

When his eyes met hers for the first time, she knew she had him. 

Joy flushed when he caught her staring, cheeks going red as she averted her gaze to the marble floor beneath her. Natalia knew when he was beside her, but Joy started when she heard his voice by her ear. 

“ _I happened to notice you’ve been alone since you entered, Miss-?”_

Joy looked up in confusion and embarrassment, shaking her head, “Oh I’m sorry. I don’t… I only speak English…” 

His lips quirked as he lifted his chin, “Ah! Pardon. I was only saying that I noticed you didn’t come in with anyone, Miss-?” 

“Boylston,” she flushed, offering her hand. 

He took it and pressed a kiss to the back. 

“Miss Boylston. And what is beautiful young lady such as yourself doing all alone at such lovely gala?" 

“Oh, gosh, please,” she breathed a shy laugh, shaking her head, “Well… My friend was supposed to be here with me, but I think we got too adventurous during lunch this afternoon…” 

He offered a groan of condolence, “Bad kolbasa?” 

“Something like that,” she laughed. 

“And would he have danced with you otherwise?” he grinned at her laugh. 

“I think _she_ may have been too mesmerized by the ice sculpture,” she took the bait he was laying out for her. 

“Well, allow me to entertain you instead. It would be fate either way,” he offered his hand to her as the small orchestra began another piece across the room. 

She deposited her champagne flute on a table they passed as he led her to dance. He asked about her life, about which she spoke timidly on her cover’s accomplishments while he fished them out of her. 

His flirting was almost oppressive to the whole room, but Natalia endured as he enticed Joy with his stories of espionage, stories that he “couldn’t reveal much about”, but dropped little hints at to please her, to which she responded with enthusiasm and astonishment. His file had been right about his ego. 

Getting the drink to him was much easier than it should have been, but Natalia wasn’t going to inflate her head about it, especially not now whilst still in the midst of her assignment. Nevertheless it was no surprise he’d left the KGB if he was consistently doing his work like this.

When she handed him a double vodka on ice three and half hours later, his fingers brushed hers and his nose ghosted against her hairline. 

He turned his head to take the drink down in one gulp as his opposite hand caressed the bare skin of her lower back. She giggled, coy as she hid her face in his shoulder. 

He leaned down so his lips were at her ear, “Let me show you my suite.” 

Joy bit her lip, cheeks flushing as she nodded. 

In the elevator, his lips were moving down her jaw. 

At his suite door, along the back of her neck as he offered her the key card. 

Inside, he pulled her to the couch, sitting down and lifting up the satin skirt of her dress and pulling her into his lap. 

A moment later, he was dazed as his lips brushed her décolletage. 

The moment after that, he was falling back and out cold. 

She took care to lay him down to avoid suspicion when he woke in the morning. 

She glanced to the clock.

 

_11:45_.

 

The security cameras had been rerouted to feed back to her teachers and Natalia set to finding the documents. The safe was simple enough to open. She pulled the file out and set to taking pictures with the little device they’d given her. She didn’t take the time to read them. When she finished, she placed them exactly as they were, and turned the dial on the safe back to the number it had been on when she started.

 

_11:55_.

 

Natalia returned to the living room. Prostakov was in the same place she’d left him. 

Clutch beneath her arm, she strode from the room.

 

At 11:59, she slid into the car.

 ~ 

Natalia hadn’t been expecting praise when she reported back to Madame B, and she didn’t get any either. The woman merely lifted her chin in acknowledgement of her and motioned for her to take a seat across from her in the train car.

“We have passed you with a score of ninety-four out of one hundred. We all agree that your physical seduction left something to be desired. It is possible to master timidity in your cover whilst not behaving passively. Your targets need only think they have control, Natalia. You should know that by know.” 

Her words cut, but Natalia didn’t flinch. 

“I will do better. I can do better,” she spoke with an urgent intent to impress. 

Madame’s eyes cut up to her before going back to her assessment file with disapproval. 

“Desperation does not look good on you. I don’t need you to tell me you can do better. Just do it.” 

Aside from the tensing at her jaw, Natalia didn’t react.

  **~**  

Time continued to fly, days passing in a whirlwind now as they shared instructor time with the new group of little girls that was beginning to arrive. She wished she could save them. 

They were pushed to their limits daily, passed their limits almost as often. Natalia couldn’t count the number of times she’d gone to bed with bloody knuckles and an even bloodier conscience. That part she could block out. 

None of them were stupid. They’d caught on fast enough, knew that these unrelenting last months were to eliminate any remaining weak links, anyone who wouldn’t be useful enough for the country. It came in a remarkably unexpected way. 

Ekaterina and Yulia tried to run away together. 

Dread had settled into Natalia’s stomach when she realized that they were lovers, and following that discovery, a large part of her hoped that James would never come back. It was selfish of them, putting each other in that kind of danger, loving each other when they had absolutely no right thinking they could possibly nurture it. That love they felt was dangerously deep and she didn’t know how to rip it out of either of them. Better then, if he stayed away. She couldn’t hold herself back if he didn’t, and then where would they be? 

Just where Ekaterina and Yulia were, Natalia was sure, kneeling and tied before the remaining six while Madame B circled with the silent prowess of a cat. 

“You are a disgrace to this academy.” 

Her composure, as always, was unwaveringly perfect, her words filled with a refinement that should never be able to accompany the venom she paired them with. 

“How long?” 

Silence. 

_Crack._  

“How long?” 

“Last November,” Yulia growled, blood on her lip. 

“A year? Well, we certainly succeeded in teaching you girls to keep a secret, didn’t we?” 

The smile that grew on her lips chilled Natalia to her core. 

“Did you imagine this when you met in the dark to fuck each other? Did you truly think your ridiculous little plan would succeed because you were in love? Love won’t do anything for you. Love is nothing. You are nothing,” she spat, then directed her attention at the standing six. “You would have never and _will never_ be anything without this facility. _Never_ forget that we can destroy you _much_ quicker than we made you.” 

The girls remained absolutely silent, and that silence seemed to drag on for minutes until Madame B held her hand out. Master Konstantin placed a pistol in her palm. 

“A year you said?” 

They had tears on their cheeks as they looked at the ground. 

“I think six each should suffice then.” Ever quick and to the point. 

Convenient enough for Madame to pass the pistol down their line, once, a shot for each, then again, a second. 

Natalia didn’t want to watch this, but she didn’t dare to look away, didn’t want to do this, but she didn’t dare to hesitate. James flashed behind her eyes. 

Twenty minutes later, her ears were ringing as they watched two bodies get carried away. 

Blood painted the floor at their feet. 

The hot gun was heavy in her hand. 

She remembered that it was her eighteenth birthday. 

Two new bodies walked into the room, making the gunfire air stir around them. 

Her heart nearly stopped.

 ~ 

They weren’t cuffed that night. 

Natalia supposed it wasn’t necessary, then supposed that it was a test. The message Madame B had made today was perfectly clear. 

They belonged to the Red Room. They belonged to Russia.

She couldn’t sleep. All she could see behind her eyelids was James walking into that room, seeing the blood on the floor, and meeting her eyes almost instantly. The terror behind them that the blood might have been hers. The relief when he saw her standing there alive and well. The troubled clench of his jaw when he saw the gun in her hand. She hadn’t let him keep her gaze long before she breezed from the room to go and hit a punching bag. 

She couldn’t. 

Couldn’t be in the same room with him when all she wanted was to crawl inside of him and never come out. 

Couldn’t be in the same room with him where not five minutes earlier she’d delivered a shot directly into the heart of a girl that might as well have been her. 

Now she was laying, cold beneath her blanket as her heart pounded. 

She was up in an instant when the door creaked open and closed behind the figure that entered. From the dim light under the door, she caught a glint of his arm. 

Then they were rushing each other, and he was catching her up against him as her arms wound tight around his shoulders. The desperate grunt she let escape into his neck was muffled and quiet. 

“God, if it had been you…” he hushed out against her hair. 

“You’re such an idiot! Why are you here!” she hissed, pushed him away, then pulled him back to her. 

“I had to see you. I had to touch you, make sure you were real. Not my mind playing tricks on me all these months,” he shook his head, and his lips were on her cheekbone, and in the crevice beside her nose, then on her lips as he kissed her with everything he hadn’t been able to give her in the year he’d been gone. 

She drank him in as if she was dying of thirst, her fingers threading into his hair. It was longer now than it had been before, reaching the middle of his ears. She almost wanted to tease him, but the urge was heavily overshadowed by their desperation to be close to each other. 

They were breathless when they parted, James resting his forehead against hers and reaching up to hold her cheeks as though she were the most precious thing he’d ever touched. 

Perhaps, to him, she was.

“They can’t find you here, Yasha,” she whispered, face troubled. She was battling with her desire to be close to him and her desire to keep the both of them safe and out of sight. 

He kissed her again, briefly. 

“I know.” 

Another kiss. She pressed closer, but pinched his side. 

“Don’t distract me from scolding you.” 

She felt him smirk. 

“I can’t leave you, _Tashenka_ , not now.” 

Her cheek pressed to his, “We’re as good as dead if they find us. You saw what happened to those girls.” 

“I know. I know and I’m selfish, but so are you.” 

She was. She hadn’t loosened her grip on him. His lips were at her jaw and she was sighing, eyes fluttering. 

Natalia pulled him with her until she could press him down to sit on her bed. He met her eyes as she stood before him, his fingers brushing just along the bottom of her night shirt. Leaning down she rested their foreheads together again. 

“I want you.” 

“You have me, Talia. You’ve had me since the day we met.” 

“James, _I want you_ ,” she repeated as she lowered herself to place one knee on either side of his hips. 

He hesitation only lasted a moment as he released a gust of air, eyes meeting hers in search of reassurance. Her hands ghosted his cheeks, his sliding beneath her shirt to rest low on her back. His touch made her skin tingle as her lips brushed his, and then they were surging against each other, all kisses and caresses and their breath mingling as he gripped her and pulled her into him. 

The only sound in the room was their breath. They didn’t have the luxury of anything else,  certainly not less than twelve hours after two girls had been murdered for doing the exact same thing. They would never have that luxury. 

Her hands pulled at his clothes and his hands followed suit until they were bare against each other and he was lowering her to the bed to drag his lips down her body. A trail of fire seemed to follow the path of his mouth as she sighed out, fingers curling into the blanket beneath her. He treated her with a care she’d never known before, and one she hadn’t thought she’d ever get to know at all.

Minutes later he was coming back up and kissing her again, stealing what breath she had left to give. She made room for him to settle into the cradle of her hips as he brushed a lock of hair from her forehead. 

“Yasha, please…” she said, voice tender and full of every emotion she’d held onto so tightly for him in the time he’d been away.

He was smiling, thumb caressing her hip as his nose brushed hers. Their gaze locked as he pressed into her with more care than she’d ever been given before, so, so different from what they’d told her sex would always be, a means to an end. This wasn’t.

Moving together, everything else melted away around them.

 

When they laid together later, unwilling to be apart from each other, Natalia felt content for the first time in her life to just simply _be_. 

“Happy birthday, _pauchka_ ,” he smiled against her temple. 

She settled closer.

  **~**  

The day that followed, Madame gathered them to speak about the graduation ceremony.

Natalia had wondered when it would happen. She’d begun to think they’d never intended on telling them at all. That wasn’t the case. Madame B had a clear point to get across. 

“You exist to serve Russia. We have never led you to believe otherwise. None of you are or will ever be fit to be mothers. You were not made to be mothers, you were made to be weapons. You are weapons. Nothing else.” 

Her voice wasn’t hard, it was delicate. Somehow that was worse. Natalia likened her to the ticking of a bomb; steady, rhythmic, dangerously soothing until one realized the peril they were in. 

At eighteen, she couldn’t say she’d ever given more than a moment’s thought to having a child. 

Her unrest laid more in the unceasing theft of any agency she could have once claimed for herself. 

She wanted to be a woman, when they wanted nothing more than a shell to keep in their armory. 

She didn’t want this. 

In the weeks leading up to graduation, she began to fail.

 ~ 

James wasn’t happy. 

They’d assigned him to finish out their training in the last few weeks before graduation. Now the girls trained with him separately, Madame B watching from the side to assess their strengths and their weaknesses, their progress and their lacking. 

She knew Madame would notice. There was no way she wouldn’t have. 

_“Sloppy. Pretending to fail. The ceremony is necessary for you to take your place in the world.”_

_“I have no place in the world.”_

_“Exactly.”_

James let it go on for a while, that inner war of his sparking every time she failed again. He wasn’t keen on being more selfish with her than he already had been, but even he didn’t have unwavering tolerance. He couldn’t keep watching her bare her throat in wait for a blade. 

It took a great deal of effort not to slam the door behind him as he came into her room, five nights away from the ceremony. 

“Are you losing your mind, Natalia?” 

She was awake, sitting against the wall on her bed, knees bent up in front of her as she watched him. 

“Answer me! This is glorified suicide! You aren’t proving anything to anyone!” 

When she didn’t say anything again he growled. The air crackled with suffocating electricity, until her voice came in a low grumble. 

“Weren’t you the first one to talk about how twisted it is? Have you changed your mind now?” 

“Don’t,” he flattened, staring dead at her, “Don’t put words in my mouth.” 

She was silent again, but no less intent as their eyes locked. 

“Is it really so much for me to wish that you would stop trying to get yourself killed? You aren’t the only person alive around you. I know you aren’t used to people caring for you, Natalia, but I do! So excuse me for being disturbed at the suicide mission you’ve created for yourself!” 

“I don’t exist for you, James! I’m not here to please you every step of the way!” 

“I don’t expect you to be! Christ, Natalia! What is this all of the sudden! What did I do to make you give up!” 

Silence again. 

A beat. 

She was so quiet that he almost didn’t realize she was crying. 

He softened, released a frustrated sigh, stepping closer after a moment and kneeling beside the bed. He placed his hand on her knee and she lowered it, scooting forward and leaning down to press her forehead to his. The flesh of his right hand was soft against her cheek. 

“Talia…” he whispered, “Please let me in.” 

“I don’t want this anymore.” 

He blinked, pulling back to stare at her. 

“Not us,” she pulled him into her again, “I mean this life. It’s all I’ve ever known and I’ll never know anything else. What’s the point of dying now or dying later? At least this way I have a choice in it.” 

James was silent, able to sense that she wasn’t done talking even as she paused. 

“I will never be more than this. I can never give you more than this and you can’t give more to me. This is how I live and it’s how I’ll die. There was never “more” of anything for me or for any of us. I have no place in this world. None of us do.” 

He held her, gentle lips stealing her tears from her cheeks. 

“Natalia, you are everything. You are the most remarkable person I’ve ever known and I thought that of you long before I fell in love with you. _You do have a place in this world_. I can’t speak for the others, but you have more capability in your pinky finger than most people have in their entire body and you can do something extraordinary with it if you just hold out for a little bit longer. I know that you can, _Tashka_ , I know that you’re strong enough.” 

She allowed her tears to flow freely for once as she pulled him in to kiss her. 

Later, when they were laid bare against each other, the future meant nothing. 

For one fleeting moment everything was the present. 

Then. 

It was gone.

  **~**

She was the first to graduate. She’d earned that _honor_ with her high marks and her blind faith in her country while growing up. 

James spent the night before with her, made love to her and held her until he had to leave. 

She was reluctant to allow him to go. 

Her intuition seemed to be flashing like a beaming red light in her mind. 

She wanted nothing more than to just try their luck as Ekaterina and Yulia had. Maybe they were smarter, more capable. 

“Everything will be okay, _Natashenka_. As soon as you’ve healed I’ll be here again at night. It will be as if nothing ever changed,” he promised, stroking her hair back from her forehead and kissing her. 

Her hands were shaking. Everything would change. She could feel it in deep in her bones that nothing would be the same after this and the dread that filled her was almost paralyzing. 

They came for her in the morning on the first of January. 

In Madame B’s office, the woman looked at her, smiling. 

“Our greatest accomplishment, Natalia. That is what you will be, come the end of your ceremony.” 

Natalia didn’t respond. Her stomach was turning over as her nerves sparked. 

“They will administer a serum during the procedure. A small dose, a derivative of that which the U.S. used in the 1940s. If you recall we used an earlier trial all those years ago when you injured your knee. We’ve been fortunate to perfect it for you. It will give you a small number of abilities that you should find helpful in the work ahead of you. Shorter healing periods, improved endurance. It will likely slow the rate at which you age to some extent, but all the better for your country, yes?” 

She was being uncharacteristically generous in her explanation, but she wasn’t looking for an answer, and Natalia didn’t give one. 

In the infirmary, she was put in a surgical gown, strapped down onto the rolling metal gurney, and wheeled to the operation room. 

Her heart beat out of her chest. She felt like vomiting. Her body was in over drive mode and for some reason she couldn’t compartmentalize it this time, fingers gripping tight on the edge of the table, the leather restraints pinching into the skin of her wrists.

The doctors showed no mercy at her panic and neither did Madame B as she stood in the corner of the operating room and watched. 

Someone stilled her head and another secured the mask on her face. 

After a moment, nothingness. 

After another, she was waking up in the recovery room.

~ 

Her skin was cold, the discomfort low in her belly reminding her hazy mind instantly where she was and why. She couldn’t rationalize the feeling of emptiness in her body. 

She sensed eyes on her and she focused her gaze enough to look and see Madame B standing just inside the door. 

Something was off. 

Why was the displeasure on her face so stark? The ceremony was over. It was complete. That had to be enough. 

Her gaze was ice as Natalia met it, and she came closer, quick and dangerous as Natalia tried to fight the urge to sink into the infirmary bed and away from her. 

The crack of her hand came against her face and she grunted sharply as she was jostled, biting down hard on her cheek. 

Then fingers, gripping her chin, wrenching her head back to look at the furious woman standing over her. 

“How many times must I explain this to you imprudent little girls! Thank your lucky stars that you have worked so hard to be at the top or I would have put you down before you even woke up from that operation.” 

Her eyes went wide and she shook her head, still so foggy from the fading anesthesia. 

“Madame, I don’t understand.“ 

Another strike to her face. 

“The baby that you allowed your beloved _Soldat_ to fuck into your belly, Natalia! Spread your legs and think there will be no consequences?” she spat. 

Natalia hadn’t thought she could get any colder, but it felt like all of the blood drained from her body when her mind processed the words. Even the tears that sprung forth from her eyes stung like ice. 

“Put those tears away, you’ve no right,” Madame leveled coldly, “You’ve no one to blame but yourself. Yulia and Ekaterina didn’t surprise me, but you? Delusional enough to think that you will ever know love, you stupid little girl. You deserve nothing.” 

Her hand went to rest on her belly as she forced her tears behind closed eyes. She wanted to wish all of this away. She wanted it to be a nightmare. She wanted to go back to the night before and convince him to run with her. 

Now everything would be gone.

“How?” she whispered. 

“How? How did we find out it was him? We combed the mind of every man in this facility as soon as the doctor ripped that child out of you.” 

She flinched as she released a sob into her hand, tears leaking now. 

“In half an hour’s time, you are going to watch him be reset by his handlers and if you even think to look away I will force you to put a bullet between those pretty eyes of his. You will watch until every single memory down to your fire red hair is erased from his mind.”

Another sob.

“Think of this, Natalia. The next time you want to believe that you are anything other than what we made you. Without us you are _nothing_.” 

She stared ahead, forcing herself into silence as she bit into the skin of her palm, wall building higher. 

 

_I have no place in this world._

_Exactly._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please direct any complaints following your departure from the Feelings Rollercoaster to my PR Agent...
> 
> Next chapter will be the final chapter for this fic and should be up by Tuesday, regular post day, at the latest. May be earlier if I finish editing to my content before then, but we'll see. 
> 
> I really hope I'm doing her justice in this fic and that I'll continue to in the future! I'm trying to write her as we see her in the MCU, but that includes the journey she went on to grow to the character she is there. I'm hoping that I will succeed in that endeavor! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading!
> 
> \- Em


	8. see i’ve come to burn your kingdom down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surge of something hit her hard enough that it felt like her head was splitting, and she stumbled into the wall with a grunt. Images flashed behind her eyelids as she gripped her head.
> 
> Dark eyes, dark hair.  
> Hushed words, and hissed.  
> Hands caressing, flesh and metal.  
> Little Spider in the winter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Typical general warnings apply.  
> ____
> 
> Translations:
> 
> 'do svidaniya' - goodbye
> 
> 'da, ty zhopa' - yeah, you ass
> 
> 'kotenok' - kitten  
> 'rybka' - little fish  
> 'pauchka' - spider cutification  
> 'monstr' - monster
> 
> 'vdova' - widow

_“Think of this, Natalia. The next time you want to believe that you are anything other than what we made you. Without us you are nothing.”_

_She stared ahead of herself, forcing herself into silence as she bit into the skin of her palm, wall building higher._

 

 _I have no place in this world._

_Exactly._

 

* * *

* * *

**_February 2004_ **

**_Moscow, Russia_ **

* * *

* * *

 

“Won’t you show me your suite? You keep telling me you have the _biggest_ one and you won’t even let me see? You make a girl work too hard.” 

“I like my girls to work for it. ‘Specially the pretty Russian ones. More interesting to watch.” 

 _Give me a break._  

“You’ve been watching me all night, Mr. Peters. Take me to your room and I’ll show you just how hard I can work.” 

 _Mm, there’s that weak spot of yours._  

“I hope you’re not lying to me, precious.” 

“Does this look like the face of a girl trying to deceive you?” 

 _Because I am. But you don’t need to know that until you’re dead, and then it won’t matter._

_Do svidaniya, Mr. Peters._  

 

~

 

“Remarkable, _kroshka_. Absolutely remarkable. Like he disappeared into the night.”

 Natalia woke when Ivan came strolling into the bedroom, straight to her side to tug her into him and set his lips to hers. She groaned, pushing his face away and turning her head. 

“Stop it, old man, I have morning breath.” 

Her grumble only served to make him chuckle and lace the fingers of his right hand with those of her left. 

“I married you and you think I mind your breath in the morning?” 

“I mind yours,” she muttered, and he chuckled again, brushing his knuckles over her cheek. He stood and went to shed his jacket. 

She nestled further beneath the duvet, giving in to a massive yawn. 

“Couldn’t you have come in any quieter at four o’clock in the morning?” 

“And missed you waking up for me? Never,” he smirked, shedding his uniform and replacing it with sleep clothes. 

“What took you men so long? I did all the work for you and was still in bed by midnight,” she said. 

“And you skipped your debriefing. Again.” 

She only offered a disinterested hum. He slid into bed next to her, up to her side a second later with his lips working over her neck. 

“They’ll only allow me to make so many excuses for you, _kotenok_. Just because you’re doing good work doesn’t mean they’ll allow you to rewrite protocol, you know that.” 

“Yes, fine. I’ll go in the morning, let me sleep,” she keened. 

He was still kissing her skin, hand curling over her hip, “Not quite the welcome I was expecting.” 

“Wasn’t it? At four in the morning?” 

She felt him grinning behind her ear. 

“You can make it up to me tomorrow.” 

“Mmhm. Quiet.”

 

~ 

 

“See that you do make an adjustment. You do incredible work for us. Best I’ve seen in fact. I’d hate to see you _relieved_ simply for not following procedure.” 

Natalia stood, hands at her sides, in front of her director. He was a cocky little man, one she had imagined taking out in numerous different and creative ways. He was there to let her know _just_ how everything was, and if she hadn’t schooled herself in stopping her eyes from rolling, she was sure she would be dead by now. 

“Of course, sir. I assure you, it won’t happen again.” 

His chuckle felt like teeth crunching glass. 

“Yes, well, we’ll have your husband keep a better eye on you.” 

Her hand twitched, mind of its own, towards her utility belt. She shook it out. He rose a brow at her. 

“Cramp.” 

He was already disinterested. 

“We’re sending you with him today for his check-in at the Academy before you head out together for Volgograd. You depart from there as soon as he is finished. He will brief you on the jet. You are dismissed.” 

His hand waved and she was gone. The air in his office was stuffy and her lungs heaved freshness as she stepped into the hallway. 

Ivan was waiting in the backseat of the car, and watching her as she slid in. 

“ _Da, ty zhopa_. Don’t look at me like that.” 

“You could avoid it if you’d just go to your debriefings.” 

“ _I know_.”

Natalia had returned to the Red Room one time since her graduation a year and two months ago. It had been jarring, for reasons she couldn’t quite grasp onto, and she could already sense that today would make her feel no different than the first time had. 

She didn’t understand it. Her time at the Academy was as good as it could have been. She’d been their highest marking student, she’d never been the center of any problems, had never had a reason to feel any animosity coming out of the program; so then why was something turning around in her stomach and making her muscles want to tremble under her skin? 

The only difference today from the last time was Ivan at her side. 

In the end, it seemed to be enough.

~

Madame B was making them wait, but then that was expected.

She was a busy woman. They had reduced their starting numbers to twenty for their next cycle of girls. Fewer mouths to feed in the beginning. Though that wasn’t to say that presiding over twenty four year old girls was any simple task. 

As they waited, Ivan was speaking to the man by the front door, and Natalia wandered into the studio straight ahead. 

It was just the same as it always had been, and that provided her with a relative amount of comfort as she stared into the mirror at herself, clad though in her tactical suit, rather than a leotard to dance. 

She missed it. 

Some things were always bound to change. 

She watched through the mirror as Ivan stepped onto the floor, coming up behind her and winding his arms around her waist. His mouth was turned up into a smirk as he kissed her neck. 

“Do you remember Madame finding us in here after your graduation?” he asked. 

“Before graduation, wasn’t it?” 

He frowned at that but she continued, “How could I forget? I thought she was going to kill you on the spot. I tried to take the blame.” 

His frown dissipated as he seemed to brush something off. Odd. 

His hand stroked up her belly, “My good _kotenok_. What would I do without you?” 

“You’d be a lonely, miserable old man who would have to clean up his own ops,” she grimaced, bumping her hips back into him. 

He smirked, tightened his arms around her. 

“For Christ and all things in heaven. If I have to walk into this room to see you groping each other one more time in my life I will end you myself.”

All at once, seeing Madame in the archway sent an inexplicable surge of panic through her. 

Natalia had to school herself harder than she ever had before just to hide the sudden feeling of discomfort, just to stop herself from ripping away from her husband like he was as hot as a branding iron. 

There was something she’d forgotten… Something had happened in here. 

_What though?_

Ivan was chuckling and she forced herself to do the same. 

 _Natalia, what is your problem?_  

“Ivan, come, please. I don’t have all day for this meeting. Natalia, I trust you’re still able to keep yourself company?” 

Natalia nodded once, “Of course, Madame.” 

Ivan kissed her lips before going with the woman to the library. 

Natalia wandered, resolving to allow herself a reprieve from her anxiety to reminisce on her days training here. 

So close behind her, but getting farther and farther every day. 

Her feet carried her below ground level where she stopped to admire the massive gymnasium. The new girls wouldn’t use it for years still, but it remained in impeccable shape. Natalia was jealous to not have it anymore. 

Drifting absently, she came finally upon the single rooms, walking down the line of them and staring in through the open doors. Nothing out of the ordinary until she came to the end of the hall and stepped into what had been hers not even two months ago. 

A surge of something hit her hard enough that it felt like her head was splitting, and she stumbled into the wall with a grunt. Images flashed behind her eyelids as she gripped her head.

 

_Dark eyes, dark hair._

_Hushed words, and hissed._

_Hands caressing, flesh and metal._

_Little Spider in the winter._

It overwhelmed her, bringing her to her knees as she whimpered and pressed her face into the folded over mattress, gripping the metal of the frame in her hands. 

All at once she realized that something was very, very wrong. The flashes began to slow and left her heaving, cheeks wet with tears she didn’t remember shedding. 

The wedding band on her finger felt like a lead weight now, cutting off her circulation and blossoming disgust inside of her. Suddenly, memories she had of a wedding seemed wrong, unreal. 

 

“Are you ‘kay?” 

 

Natalia whipped around with a quickness that made the person behind her jump in surprise and start crying. Her eyes melted to tenderness at the sight of the little girl in the doorway. Wiping the wetness from her own cheeks she scooted forward cautiously. 

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you,” she softened, holding out a hand to her.

The little girl stared at her, wet-faced and unsure as her little lip quivered. It made Natalia want to cry with her.

“What are you doing down here, _rybka_? You should be with the other girls,” she said. 

“Lost…” 

Her tears came back harder and Natalia frowned. She wished she could save her from this place and what was to come. Wished she could save all of them. 

 _Save them? Where did that come from? The Academy was good to you…_

_No… No, that’s not right._  

“Come, little bead. I’ll help you find your way. There’s no need for tears,” she promised, and it was enough to make the little girl waddle into her arms and hug her. 

Natalia could feel an ache in the pit of her stomach as she lifted her up. Her head was still racing with a million thoughts, but the little head that burrowed into her neck made longing stand out the most.

 ~

Mistress Katya’s voice as she hissed the girl’s name was just as sharp as it had always been, and it made Natalia angle the girl away as she came closer. 

“She got lost is all,” she defended, touching her hair, “Isn’t that right, _rybka_? Mistress Katya wasn’t paying close enough attention, was she?” 

“What is this fuss out here, Katya?” 

Madame stepped from the library, a file in hand, Ivan following behind. 

Her eyes set on her former student, saw her cradling the girl on her hip, and Natalia swore her eyes turned to ice for a moment. 

Somewhere deep, the memory of cradling her empty womb made her flinch. Her jaw tightened. 

“No need for a fuss, Madame. Mistress Katya should keep a more watchful eye. Perhaps then my little bead here wouldn’t have gotten lost,” she said, affectionate as she tapped the tip of the girl’s nose. The girl giggled and pressed closer. 

The intensity of all three of her former teachers’ stares wasn’t lost on her as they watched her with the child. Ivan’s jaw was tightening. Suddenly she remembered _that day_ in the studio. 

Her husband now. Of course. 

What an outstanding cruelty. 

What had they done to her mind?

“Put the girl down, Natalia. I’ll be waiting in the hangar.” 

She leveled a flat, hard stare at him and the tension crackled. Little hands clutched her tighter in anxiety. 

“Of course, dear,” she spoke low. 

He was out of the building in a second. 

Crouching, Natalia set the girl down, though she clutched her hands around her collar. 

“Up,” she pleaded, eyes filling with tears again. 

Natalia touched her hair gently and smiled, “Dry your pretty eyes. I’ll be back eventually, little bead. What is your name? So that I can remember you until I see you again?” 

She was sure she wouldn’t be back, but she didn’t have the heart to just leave her hopeless. 

“Sveta.” 

Natalia smiled, “Chin up, Sveta. Remember that Talia wants you to be strong, okay?” 

The little girl gave her an eager nod, jumping up to hug her once more before allowing Mistress Katya to take her away to the classroom. 

“I have something for you to give your director, Natalia.” 

Madame watched, gaze cold as she made to hand the file over. Her grip tightened on it when Natalia grabbed hold. 

“Careful. _Pauchka_ ,” she pressed, lip curling, “Some things are better left uncovered.” 

“Better for me? Or better for you?” 

Natalia ripped the file from her hand. 

“Have a good day. Madame.”

 

~ 

 

The tension on the jet was obvious to the rest of the people on it, but Natalia resolved to not ask questions until she was in a place to get answers. She would get through this mission, and when there were no more eyes to interrupt them… 

Ivan didn’t speak to her until he was briefing her. 

“Simple mission, Natalia. The children have been relocated until the end of the week while the building is being fumigated. The process begins tomorrow. Greer will be there tonight, clearing out his storage of files. Kill him, get the files, gas the hallways, and light a match on your way out the door.” 

“An old, poor, freestanding children’s ward seems like a strange place to hide from the eyes of the Kremlin,” she said. 

“Americans are strange. Don’t question, Natalia. Get the job done.” 

 ~

The outskirts of Volgograd were dark. It was past midnight, and the only light in the building was the light coming from Greer’s office. 

Infiltration was mindless, and she made her way silently through the halls to his office, two full gallons of gasoline in each hand. She set them down in the hall and eased his office door open, placing herself in the shadows. When he came out, gun in hand, she struck. Grip on his wrist, she forced him to drop it, quick as a whip as she jumped up and cracked his neck with her thighs. 

So obviously just an analyst, his wispy body hit the ground with a quiet thump. 

Inside the room, Natalia retrieved the hard drives from the opened hole in the wall, tucking them into her suit. 

Her body thrummed with the adrenaline of a mission. Even after a year of working for the men who still liked to call themselves the KGB, she couldn’t shake that feeling, but she didn’t let it distract her as she unloaded the gasoline in the interior hallways, over the stairs, and through the bottom floor. 

As she stepped out, she dropped a match in the doorway and watched as the blaze began.

It wasn’t until she’d taken twenty paces back towards Ivan that she heard the first scream. 

Her blood ran cold as she turned back around, eyes wide. His agenda became blatantly obvious in the blink of an eye. 

“ _No_.” 

The blaze had a grown impossibly large already. She saw movement in the windows and then more screaming and then she was screaming as Ivan seized her arms. 

“No! No, you bastard, you lied to me! They weren’t gone yet!” 

Her elbow reeled back into his ribs as she whirled around to him. His fist connected with her cheek, disorienting her enough to take hold of her arms again and force her to look at the burning building. 

“You’re going to blame me, _kroshka_? _You_ are the one who set that building on fire. _You_ are the one who laid the gasoline. _You_ are the one who didn’t open the doors to any of the rooms upstairs and _you_ are the reason those children are burning,” he hissed in her ear, and she was weeping and seeing red all at once. 

“You’re a terror, Natalia. No better than the rest of us. That’s what you were thinking today wasn’t it? Your mind tried to play tricks on you back at the academy, didn’t it? I’m here to wake you up again, my love, my pretty little _monstr_.”

 

  ~

 

She’d grown complaisant on the ride back to Moscow. Silent, still, staring straight ahead of herself the entire way. Her eyes were dry, fingers curled into fists to hide their trembling. Ivan wasn’t near her, sitting instead with two other agents and conversing with them as though she wasn’t ten feet away, contemplating the best method for his slow and painful death. 

It came to her realization that he didn’t see her as a threat. She had to wonder if he’d ever seen her that way. 

She wanted him to.

They were in debrief for over an hour when they returned, though most of it consisted of their director yelling, red faced at Ivan for taking the mission into his own hands.

Natalia sat, still silent as the director bellowed on about them getting onto SHIELD’s radar with their not-so-subtle pursuit of the American analyst. 

When they were finally permitted to leave, Ivan took her home. 

She let him push her into the mattress, let him bruise her as she laid there and let him tire himself out with her until he fell by her side, chest heaving as he pushed her out of his way. 

“Clean yourself up,” he muttered, eyes already heavy with sleep. 

She slinked into the bathroom and didn’t come out until her skin was scrubbed red with scalding water. 

When she slid back beneath the covers of their bed, she cuddled into his side and whispered into his ear. 

“Thank you for helping me.” 

His hand slid possessively over her side and pulled her closer, smirk on his lips fading as he fell into sleep. 

~

The next time he woke, the sun was rising and she was straddling him, dragging her lips down his chest. His wrists and ankles were tied. 

“ _Natalia_.” 

“Shh. Let me touch you,” she smiled up at him. 

His frown widened into a grin. 

Then he saw the knife in her hand. 

His face dropped and he struggled with a grunt against the restraints. 

She scooted up further onto his abdomen to restrict his breath. 

“I just want to thank you, sir,” she aired out her voice for him. 

He snarled as the cold blade tapped along his ribs. 

Natalia laughed into his ear, kissing his neck. 

She pulled back, thumbing his cheek tenderly. 

“Don’t worry. I’ll take my time.” 

“Doing what?” he hissed. 

“I thought you already knew? Didn’t you expect this? You said it yourself, _kroshka_.” 

She placed the knife just below his jaw. 

 

“I’m a monster.”

 

* * *

 

“ _Killed him_?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“I’ve been trying to take that lazy old man out for years and you’re coming in here to tell me that you just _did it_ one morning?” 

“Sir, I don’t know if you’ve fully realized my particular skill sets, though I suggest you start making my time with your secret KGB worthwhile unless you’d like to personally discover the full extent of them.” 

Her director stared at her, mouth gaping. 

“You’re an absolute horror.” 

“So I’ve been told.” 

A beat. 

“Suit up, Miss _vdova_. You’re going to Paris.” 

A smirk hit her lips. 

“I’ll have to find a good chocolate shop while I’m there.”

 

* * *

* * *

**_Mid-June 2004_ **

**_Triskelion, Washington D.C._ **

* * *

* * *

 

“Are you kidding me?” 

“ _What?_ What could possibly be wrong with this one, Barton?” 

“You’re sending me to Russia to assassinate a _teenager_? That’s a lot, Coulson, even for you,” he said, crossing his arms. 

“What do you mean “even for me”?” he blanched, then righted himself. 

“Anyway we don't have much of a choice here. She’s taking out our operatives left and right. They’re calling her the Black Widow. Can’t see her coming, and when you do it’s too late. You should be flattered, Barton. You’re the best equipped agent to take her out.” 

Clint snorted, “Really flattering that I’m best equipped to take out a teenaged girl. Thanks for the stamp of approval.” 

“Oh for God’s sake, Hawkeye, just get ready to go. She’s gonna pull a fast one of you before you even nock an arrow,” Phil huffed as he strolled from the office. 

“Yeah, we’ll see about that,” he muttered. 

Standing over the desk, Clint examined the pictures with a huff of his own.

“You really wanna pull a fast one on me, Black Widow?”

 

 

 

Somewhere in Russia, all she could see was red.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, friends! We've reached the end of part one! 
> 
> I really hope that I've done her justice and that you've all enjoyed reading along with this version of her story!
> 
> I got the idea for this mission from the deleted scenes of CATWS. Something they took out at the end when she's preparing to release all of the files is Pierce going into more detail about her secrets also being released, and he mentions a children's ward. From the way she reacts I figured it must have been something that would have continued to haunt her after the fact, so I thought this would be a good place to expand on and create that storyline. If you'd like to watch that deleted scene I would imagine it's probably on Youtube! 
> 
> I'm hoping to start on part two of this series in any free time I have this week, so be on the lookout within the next couple of weeks. Part two is going to be longer than this one, I will say, so bare with me as I get a headstart on writing! Ideally I'd like to have half of it written before I start posting, like I did with this one. I have a general outline, so hopefully the rest should come swift and easy!
> 
> Part two, as hinted at above, will be Natasha meeting and forming her partnership, friendship, and perhaps something more with Clint. Because I think Linda Cardellini is a lovely actress, I don't mind Laura Barton! And because of that I'm very interested in the idea of a polyamorous relationship of sorts between the three of them. I'm not 100% certain how I'm going to work it out but I hope it's interesting enough for others to want to come along on the ride! 
> 
> I will say that I'm planning a major plotline of part three to be her finally reconnecting with James post Civil War, and also perhaps creating my own fix-it post Endgame, so don't worry! We haven't seen the last of Winter Widow in this series! I LOVE them, so not by a longshot. I would venture to say that they're my endgame!
> 
> And can we TALK about those BLACK WIDOW MOVIE BTS PHOTOS??? I'm so pumped and renewed with life.
> 
> Anywho I'll stop talking your ears off so I can write!
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading and I sincerely hope you've enjoyed and that I've done Natasha justice here!


End file.
